As I make an attempt to write everyday, some things just come up without a whole lot of effort, while other days I feel like I have to find a way to make doing laundry sound interesting.

Today was one of those days that I have the subject, it just makes me a little more vulnerable.

Vulnerable is sort of my jam these days.

One of the things that has plagued me since starting “this” (I don’t even know what to call it anymore), and LOOOONG before, is the fear of judgement.

Maybe you can relate?

At first it was the fear that people were going to judge how I had gotten here. Then it was the judgement of my writing style and how people would receive it. After that came the opinions of how I was doing this; starting a blog and airing it out for all the world to read. And now it’s the fear that if I try something new someone will roll their eyes at that too.

Judgement is a subject I have become an expert on preaching about. If you were sitting across from me at my kitchen counter worried about what someone else would think about what you were doing, I am the first one to pound in to your head it’s none of anyone else’s business.

I would go on and on about how no one has to live your life but you. And, that you have to make the best decision for your family. No, it doesn’t matter what your parents are going to think, or how your co-worker is going to feel or if it makes someone else uncomfortable. You have one life, do everything you can, life is short, carpe diem and all that shit.

You do you. Period.

But, here I sit worrying about what someone might think about what I am doing or about to do; if I try something new is someone going to think I can’t stick to something for very long? Is someone else going to think that I couldn’t possibly have time to “do it all”? Is someone out there thinking I am selfish or that I’m not a good mom or wife or friend? Am I an imposter?

It’s exhausting.

And then, after I get all of that out, I can take an honest look at it and preach away.

Rather than be vague and beat around the bush about this, I’ll tell you what I’m thinking and I am going to honestly list all of the things that are currently holding me back. Judge away.

Goal: Yoga Teacher Training: three week intensive course in June.

Excuses:

• It’s too expensive

• I don’t know that much about yoga

• I have only just started practicing again

• I won’t be a good teacher

• What will I do with my kids?

• I’m don’t have a “yogi” body

• Who will let out the dogs?

• It’s irresponsible to take three weeks off of life to take the course

• Who do I think I am?

• I’m too old to start this

• What if I get bored of it in two years?

• Am I biting off more than I can chew?

I am not going to let these fears win though.

(In actuality, I rarely do. I sort of do whatever I want anyway so to sit here and worry about it really doesn’t do anything but waste time.)

I wanted to write this out today because it’s been in my head for too long. And, when I get it out, it’s easy for me to “look at myself across the table” and lecture that fearful person.

Here’s what I’d tell her:

• It’s too expensive – You can find the money. If you want it bad enough, you’ll find something in your budget to cut out to come up with it or the Universe will find it for you.

• I don’t know that much about yoga – Yeah, idiot, that’s why you’re going to TRAINING.

• I have only just started practicing again – Right…perfect timing.

• I won’t be a good teacher – How do you know you won’t be a good teacher? Have you taught yoga before? No. Dumb excuse.

• What will I do with my kids? You’ll ask for help and where you can’t get help, you’ll pay for it. It’s called day care…maybe you’ve heard of it?

• I’m don’t have a “yogi” body – Can you do yoga? Yes? Then you have a yogi body.

• Who will let out the dogs? See above re: kids.

• It’s irresponsible to take three weeks off of life to take the course – Really? Irresponsible? Is it? I bet you’re going to have everything done before you go, plus, for Christ’s sake, you’re right down the road. And, it’s not like you’re going on a three week trip to Vegas to snort cocaine and blow your savings on slot machines. You’re going to YO-GA training.

• Who do I think I am? You’re someone who wants to learn something new and better yourself in the process.

• I’m too old to start this – You’re 40, not dead. Dead is too old.

• What if I get bored of it in two years? What would happen? Nothing.  That’s what would happen.

• Am I biting off more than I can chew? – You’ve definitely bitten off more than you can chew before…and you’ll do it again. And if it’s too much, quit. And when you’re too scared to quit, we’ll sit here and do this fun exercise all over again.

And, I’d totally be that snarky and mean about it.

And, my friends, that’s the fun shit that goes on inside my head on any given day…sometimes for days at a time.

However, it is one of my favorite things to do, so if you have something you want to do and have a laundry list of excuses like I do, I’d be happy to throw them back in your fac any time..

And, now I guess I’m applying for Yoga Teacher Training.