Do you remember the Beastie Boys song, Sabotage? Well I do. And sometimes I think it might be my life theme song.

I just looked up the lyrics to see if I could relate to any of them…ah, no. When they’re typed out all organized they make no sense at all. I prefer the screaming in to the mic version.

I’ll explain why below.

Body + Mind

203.9

That’s some major progress right there. If we take those pesky decimals out, I am down 10 lbs in 29 days.

It was cause for celebration at 4:15 this morning (Tuesdays are my early days). I made myself a fried egg over greens and packed a healthy snack of snap peas, carrots and hummus. I felt like I floated through the rest of my morning; I was totally in a zone at yoga, doing all of the vinyasas (flows) when just two days ago I didn’t think I would ever get to my up dog, came home to eat a super healthy, prepared lunch of more greens with sausage, showered and went to a meeting. All was right in the world.

Until it wasn’t.

It’s supposed to be freezing here…not like the kids can play outside for a few minutes to get out of my hair cold, like all of Wisconsin is shutting down. Some bars are even closing. In all my 40 years in Wisconsin, no bars have ever closed for weather. If anything there’s an uptick in business.

So, of course, along with everyone and their brother, I went to the grocery store. I called Dale on my way there and told him even though we had a ton of shit from Costco, I felt like I needed to pick up a few snacks. He thought the kids had plenty…I said I was more concerned about me.

Well, here’s where shit gets real. I bought a bunch of crap I would NEVER normally buy; waffle cones, ice cream, white cheddar popcorn and, wait for it…two Toblerone chocolate bars.

I usually stick pretty close to the perimeter of the grocery store but today I found myself right down the gullet. I sort of chalked it up to PMS but after I pounded the first chocolate bar in my car on the way home I knew it had to be something different.

I played games with myself the whole way. I put on my mittens thinking that if I had to take them off I’d think twice. I put the half-eaten bar in the bag of Lush bath bombs a dear friend gave me as an ‘Atta Girl gift (Thanks Barb!) thinking that I would finish the other half when I was soaking in the tub later and if they were in the bag I’d think twice. I lost this game.

The only thing I thunk twice about was eating that fucking bar. All of it. And I totally did.

Do I feel bad about this? Not really. I’m actually quite thankful. Months ago when this exact thing happened (more than many times) I would never think of it as self-sabotage. The box of wine I would have most DEFINITELY bought myself just would have been the sabotage vehicle of choice instead.

Consumed by the guilt and shame of “failing” I wouldn’t have seen this for what it really is: a pattern of success followed by sub-conscience actions to undo it. I have never been great at getting back on that horse. It feels different this time ’round.

I recognized it, made myself accountable for it, and have forgiven myself. And, now that I know better, I can do better.

And, let’s not get crazy here, I know it’s just a friggin’ candy bar, but in my case, it could have been so much more if I wasn’t careful.

I’m not even thinking about that other bar in the fridge.

Well, now I am.

House + Home

I have a sink full of dirty dishes right now as I sit on my bed surrounded by four dogs. School has been called off again for tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to finish those up.

Let’s see what we can unclutter and sell tomorrow.

Mwah, ha, ha, ha.

Debt + Finances

Part II of financial declutter scheduled for tomorrow.

Parenthood + Relationships

I think I’ll spend most of my night researching, “How not to kill your kids on a snow day.”