I lost my shit today.

And by losing my shit, I mean I sobbed like a baby, not screamed at my kids like I usually elude to. Sometimes I just gotta do that (both) and I haven’t done that (the former) in a while.

Unknowingly it started yesterday with just a song. Dale and I were working in the shed…well he was working, I was rocking in front of the fireplace…not important. A new country song came on the radio and Dale innocently asked if I had heard it yet. I listened and loved.

There’s a backstory to rainbows for us. Dale’s dad passed away not all that long ago and the wounds are still pretty fresh. The summer and fall following were filled with rainbows…like a lot. So when a song titled Rainbow, followed by Dale saying he feels like that song means everything is going to be okay, I listened.

And keep listening.

Part of my, ahem, colorful personality allows me to play songs on repeat until my kids want to start banging their heads against the car windows. I can’t help it. It’s a gift. So, in the course of a couple of hours I knew this song by heart.

On my way to yoga today, as I’m driving through the farmland community where Dale grew up and approaching the cemetery where his dad is buried I lost my shit.

It’s not often I pull in by his grave site but in order to compose myself, and not get in a car accident, I swung in. I just couldn’t keep it together. It was like a flood of emotion took over. I couldn’t help but listen to the lyrics and wonder; how long had I been holding that umbrella?

After a few minutes of good ugly crying, I took a few deep breaths, gave Al a nod and continued on my way to yoga.

My life has been pretty charmed, I know that. In my short 40ish years I have never been hungry, without shelter or in any real danger, but I have also never claimed that I am trying to save the world either.

In many ways, it feels like the skies have finally opened. For decades I was standing in the same old storm not knowing that it had passed. I blamed a lot of my “issues” on past situations I had no control over. It was like sitting in a shitty diaper.

The past few years have brought some new storms that have needed different types umbrellas and some demanded straight up storm shelters but to be honest, I just got sick of weathering them.

I know…so many puns.

I feel like there are so many opportunities just knocking on my door right now. In my relationships, health, work, lifestyle…everything. I just want to be ready.

The past few weeks of yoga I have been breathing in “receive” and breathing out “release”. I know, some woo woo shit but I am sort of throwing everything at this Universe to get everything I want right now.

And damn it I could use rainbow-worthy weather.

Just in case you’re someone who likes to read lyrics:

When it rain it pours but you didn’t even notice
It ain’t rainin’ anymore, it’s hard to breathe when all we know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

If you could see what I see, you’d be blinded by the colours
Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around
Everything is alright now

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
Let go of your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
Yeah there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
It all be alright