203.5
For the past week or so, I have been sort of melancholy. I am not sure if the novelty has worn off of this thing or it’s just my mind, body and soul adjusting to new habits. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both.
I’ve had to deal with some old familiar feelings lately; failure and guilt. But here’s the kicker, I don’t have anything to feel that way about (except maybe the decaf latte(s). Yes, I had another one, but if it makes you feel better, I had a headache yesterday afternoon and today. I haven’t had one of those since January 1st. I guess I know the culprit. Touche.) It’s like I am setting myself up to make a mistake that never comes.
I’ve made such a habit of talking dirty (not the fun kind) to myself that now that I don’t have anything to flog myself for, it’s discomforting and unfamiliar. It’s like there’s a void where all these feelings went and now I don’t know what to fill it with.
How fucked up is that?
But it’s also amazing and beautiful and miraculous because it led me to the following.
Even after a week of trying to put my finger on what didn’t feel right, I laid on my yoga mat today and the most curious thought crossed my mind and stuck there.
I love my body.
I almost pissed myself. (Good thing I didn’t have holes in the crotch of my pants this time.) I didn’t try to think it, it wasn’t forced, I wasn’t positively affirming myself, it was just there waiting for me to embrace it.
And I did.
This body of mine did everything I asked of it today. Everything. She slept and ate and drove and walked and balanced and created and thought and felt and a hundred other things. All before 9:00am.
I read a quote out of Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love while in the bathtub tonight:
Our bodies are merely blank canvases on to which we project our thoughts.
Marianne Williamson
I have stopped thinking of these uncanny coincidences as mere…coincidence. Someone is trying to tell me something.
If the above quote is true, and I can give you a lifetime of proof that it is, I am going to do, not try, my very best to be grateful for this body that has done everything I have asked of her all my life, even when it would have been totally fair for her to throw in the towel.
I looked in the mirror long and hard tonight. I stood there when it got uncomfortable and I started feeling squirmy. And then I stared a little longer. I tried to see myself through the eyes of my family and friends and my kids. The ones who don’t see the “flaws”.
And they don’t see them because they’re not there. One woman’s flaw is the source of envy of ten other women. We will never be perfect because perfection doesn’t exist.. The sooner we all rejoice in these facts, the happier and healthier we will all be. It’s the ultimate exercise in self-care.
I challenge you to look in the mirror until you get squirmy, then stare a little longer. Think about all the things your body has done for you just today. And then think about all the things in the past month, then year, then decade.
I bet you can find a few things to thank that bad ass bitch for.
