I lost a day somewhere along the way. I am not sure how because I can’t find it in my posts, but whatever. It’s Day 51.

Today was glorious. I am sorry for all of you that are north and getting beat down again by Old Man Winter, but we’ll be home soon enough suffering right along with you. And if you don’t want to hear about sunshine, pools and long, sleeveless walks, you should stop reading here.

Since we came down with pale Wisconsin skin, the Florida sun left us all glowing like light bulbs today, but everyone is just fine with that. Nothing a little Hagen Daaz ice cream couldn’t handle.

I really don’t have much to report except that of all days, today was the toughest not cocktailing. It was 85 degrees, sunny and the pool was perfect. I could have really used a cold beer, or 5. And, tonight we went to a real Italian deli for some of the most delicious pizza I’ve ever had. They had ALL Italian wine…my favorite.

But, I didn’t. I had a fancy, sparkling water with extra lime.

All in all, a pretty great start to the vacation…except for this one thing that’s been bothering me all day.

I went for a walk this morning. We are in The Villages, Florida; a very large, golfing/golf cart retirement city so there are a lot of ahem, mature, and very active, people. About halfway in to my jaunt, I spotted a gentleman with walking poles ahead of me. It’s always a little awkward passing people while walking, running maybe not so much, but you never walk fast enough to not make it awkward.

Luckily, he stopped to fix his pole just a little in front of me so I was able to close the gap. He didn’t really notice me until I said “Good Morning” to a biker going the opposite way. I think I surprised him a little but as I was passing him, because it takes a long time to pass, we exchanged a few words.

Him: “I thought I saw you creeping up on me.”
Me: Chuckle, chuckle. “What a day, huh?”
Him: “I’m slow. I thought you’d catch up to me.”
Me: “Well, I’m slow too so no biggie.”

I wished him a nice day and unhooked the plow (that’s a Dale-ism) to pass the now awkward silence. This is where the ridiculous (or maybe insightful, you be the judge) parts of my brain turned on.

By saying I was slow too and then by passing him, I basically told him he was the slowest. Of course I didn’t think about this at the time and he probably never gave it another thought.

But the more I walked, the more I thought (my specialty) I should have said, “It’s not a race.” I spent the next 45 minutes thinking about this very sentiment and I couldn’t shake it.

I am constantly looking for the next best thing and wherever it is, I can’t get there fast enough. Which means I am losing out on right now. I could have walked with that guy rather than trying to race by him. Or, I could have slowed down a little and enjoyed the sunshine, warm breeze and palm trees rather than trying to burn enough active calories to beat my sister.

I coulda, woulda, shoulda. I know, I know, that doesn’t solve anything either. But, I learned a valuable lesson today. I’m not sure if it’s a clearer head or the influx of vitamin D, it doesn’t really matter, but I want to remember that life is not a race to the next best thing. The best thing is right here, right now.

I mean, until we get to the beach tomorrow.

After we decided to venture out, I got out of bed with the intention of walking a couple miles so we could hit the road early. Well, a couple miles turned in to 4. I just couldn’t help myself. It was so warm and the birds were chirping and the air smelled so sweet. I just knew if I didn’t keep going, next week when my face is peeling off while I struggle to put my winter boots on, I’ll be so pissed I didn’t spend every last second in the sun. No harm was done and I felt like a million bucks.

After a few tears and some coaxing about a two-hour car ride, the fam made it to Honeymoon Island State Park/Beach. We spent three hours looking for shells and playing in the waves. As I watched the kiddos jump around in the water and search tirelessly for the perfect shell, I felt a wave of gratitude wash over me.

We have been coming down to Florida for almost ten years and this is the first time we have made it to the beach. And to be very honest here, it’s because of me. It’s because I wasn’t willing to give up a day of cocktailing by the pool. I didn’t want to spend part of my day in the car, then out on a beach with no bar or drinks available.

I know this sounds terrible. Believe me, as I type this I am ashamed about my selfishness. But, at this point all I can do is be thankful I came to my senses when I did by overcoming the fear of what it would be like to spend a day at the beach (or any other non-special day) without something to take the edge off.

Some of us (I’ll not name names here) were getting hangry on the way back so we stopped off at World of Beer to eat. I grappled with ordering an N/A beer thinking that in a way it would be cheating. In the end though, I decided it wasn’t and had one. It wasn’t near as good as I thought it would be. Not that the beer didn’t taste good, I just realized I didn’t need it so it was sort of a waste of calories (I never thought I’d say that by the way). Dale thoroughly enjoyed his three Hefe’s and I was happy to watch him.

Has this been easy? I don’t know that I could categorize it as easy or hard, just different. It’s easy because I don’t have to worry about temptation because all I have to do is say no and I accepted that part a long time ago. Hard only in the way that it was such a habit and there are lots of triggers to go back to the days of comfort.

I can’t quite quantify how blissfully different it’s been though. I have done everything I wanted and said I was going to do. No one has fought or had a cross word (this was also usually instigated by me) yet. I have been able to relax more on this vacation than I have on any other vacation. Ever.

So, I’m going to find the Aloe Vera, lather my fragile Wisconsin skin in it and live to enjoy another sunny day.

As much as I would love to say everything is peachy keen jelly bean because I have quit drinking, it’s not.

I have been forced to figure out a way to cope with shit that I would normally use cocktails to deal with. Of course I didn’t actually cope with it, I just put a band aid over an oozing wound which was there again the next morning, only worse.

I won’t go in to great detail, but a few things got under my skin today. Nothing that was anyone’s fault, just a little too much sun, some old emotional crap and no unhealthy way to deal with it. I was bound to run in to this and I’m glad I had an overdose of vitamin D to help me through.

On a brighter note, the sun is still shining, it was 85 today and the sunset was absolutely breathtaking. Like I have said, it’s hard to put in to words how different I feel, but also how different this trip has been for not only me but everyone else too.

Sometimes we get in our head that decisions we make only affect what’s in our own little bubble; I am no exception. I can definitely get caught up in my own head and it can ruin a day, even a sunny one, real quick.

But, I got through it; just had to take a few deep breaths, DECIDE that it wasn’t worth my energy and stay in the present moment. I know it’s a little woo woo, but this shit works.

The great news is that we all have a chance to start over with every breath we take.

We agreed today that this vacation has seemed longer thanall the week-long ones we’ve taken in the past. Probably because we can remember all of it.

That’s funny, but real true.

We headed to a beach on a lake today only to make a quick reversal after it was packed with Dragon Boat racers.  Yes, that’s a real thing.  It was okay though, we had a lovely day at the pool.

While this vacation has been amazing on many levels, it has also proven to be my biggest non-drinking challenge yet.  I have come up against some pretty deep-seeded emotional triggers that have forced me to take a good long look at my boundaries, or lack thereof.

I think it’s enough to say that so that I am reminded when I come back to read this and that I still stay respectful to the people love.  Sorry to be cryptic.

We all have things that trigger emotions that seem insurmountable; I am no exception.  And while I have dealt with these things many, many times before, and not very well, I think I have come to a point where I must set some boundaries around my values and the things I believe in.

I was meant to come up against those dragon boats today.

Time to slay.

I always get a little melancholy when I know we are about to leave here.

We have been lucky enough to have a home away from home in sunny Florida for over 10 years.  It’s an amazing excuse to see my dad AND soak up some rays after brutal Wisconsin winters.  And even though we butt heads on many subjects (both of us know evvv-errr-yeee-thing…just ask us) it’s always hard to say goodbye. 

I did think that most things would be easier if I wasn’t drinking.  Like, everything.  It turns out I am the same person I was two months ago and will be two months from now. My days may look different, but I still struggle with the same insecurities, albeit somewhat easier to care less about now.

Things that used to take the strength of a 10-ton elephant come with little to no effort now.  A small decision, such as taking a walk for instance, is exactly that; a decision.  I don’t spend minutes, or what could have been hours, debating on whether or not I “want” to or if I “feel” like it.  My health, mainly mental, but physical too, depends on it.  It’s become my top priority and ever since putting that at the top of ALL my lists, I haven’t regretted one single decision. 

I am convinced that those small decisions compounded over time will get me all the results I need. It might take a little longer, especially since the decision to have Haagen Dasz ice cream five nights this week was also made, but it’s okay, the time is going to pass anyway.

And damn that ice cream is good for the soul.

I love to vacation and this one was better than most.

I must have not made that very clear though because after I finally got all the articles up on the blog and they were sent out last night I had a few “encouraging” texts, emails and Snap Chats. A few “hang in theres” and a couple of motivating graphics.

Don’t get me wrong…I’ll take all of those whenever I can get them so thank you to those of you that reached out. I’m just fine.

And, while I love to get a break from reality and soak up some sun, I don’t especially love the “traveling” part. The airports, car rides, suitcase lugging, running the escalator gauntlets with kids that don’t quite get it. You know what I’m talking about…the hesitation of a 6-year-old right at the top of the escalator with the horrific scene flashing before your eyes of her tumbling down the metal stairs or her shoe lace getting caught in the teeth of the stairs as it rolls under at the bottom.

Oh, that’s just me? Sorta graphic. Sorry.

I always feel dirty after I travel. Even if I shower in the morning before we leave. It’s like there’s a film of grime you’re required to pass through that airports, cheap motels, Ubers and TSA checkpoints all have.

And, man, did we have a cheap motel last night.

Dale is usually pretty darn good about researching things. It’s actually quite annoying. He’ll read 100 reviews about a meat thermometer and then report what he finds on each one, mostly on deaf ears. He must have run out of time to research when booking a place to stay before our early morning flight.

Let’s just say it was, ahem, on the wrong side of the Orlando air field. The pool was nice enough complete with a very voluptuous, confident young woman that clearly did not like tan lines on her back side. Quite an education for my 9 year old son…and 37 year old husband. I especially loved it when she got up off her chaise lounge (on all fours, ass out), put on her Reeboks with the straps and headed to the vending machine for a late afternoon snack. The three gentlemen drinking a little sumpin’ sumpin’ out of their Days Inn styro foam cups just shook their heads. It was quite comical as I watched from behind my sunglasses. I’m guessing they had the room next to us as Latino music pumped from behind the walls most of the night, according to Dale. I slept like a baby.

Three-thirty this morning came real early for everyone. After packing up everything yet again, we hopped in to a roomy Uber XL at 4:00am. While the driver was nice, he also kept snorting back snot and clearing his throat making me think that he was probably sick. Jesus H. just get me home.

I did get a good chuckle out of the Starbucks lady at the airport that thought I said my name was Kenny though.

Over the past few months as I have written down goals and tried to narrow down my extensive list of dreams. Travel has always surfaced to the top. I don’t know if it’s because it’s socially acceptable to name travel as one of your top priorities if you had a surplus of scratch or what. I totally have a Pinterest board named “travel” with images of grass huts in crystal blue water, mountain lodges on lakes of glass and Irish fields of green. But I never actually think about what it would take to get to all of these places; the travel time, the airport lines, jet lag, putting my life in the hands of a cab driver careening through the streets on the wrong side of the road, the weeks it would take to schedule my kids’ lives for someone else to take responsibility for.

And, while I could definitely talk myself out of traveling at all except to non-stop Southwest hubs, I won’t. And this trip, ironically enough, was the one that taught me that.

As you may know I have inundated myself with personal development/self-help/woo woo/spirituality/goal setting/positivity/you choose books, both audio and real, for the past few months. Unfortunately, I can’t remember where this little ditty is from, I think from The Power of Now, but it’s put a whole new perspective on travel, among other things.

Now is right now.

Simple right? The concept is just that and at it’s core, even believable. But holy shit is it hard to grasp. As I was walking and listening to the author talk about how guilt and shame come from the past, which we can not change, and worry and anxiety are in the future, which we have the power to change, but only right now, I almost stopped in my tracks.

He goes on to suggest that, in the moment, we use our senses to appreciate what’s happening right that second; colors, sounds, feelings of air or fabric on our skin, etc. For me, it was the birds chirping, the palm trees waving in the breeze, the warm air on my face, the smell of the ocean.

Since the traveling part has never been that fun for me and I was already getting anxious about doing it again in a few days, I vowed to try this technique. And, of course, it totally worked.

When I felt myself getting caught up either in my head or having a physical reaction to something, I looked around at all the colors in the airport, listened to the too-early-in-the-goddamn-morning-rap-music blaring on the sick Uber guy’s stereo, watched my kids with pride as they wheeled their own suitcases through the terminal, enjoyed the sunrise out the plane window.

And I only whined a little when I got slapped in the face with 12 degrees when we safely arrived in Milwaukee.

What does this have to do with not drinking? This, my friends, has everything to do with not drinking. My anxiety over the last few days would have been palpable. In turn, medicated by margaritas or beer or whatever those boys had in their Days Inn styro. And then everything compounding today by a hangover and very little patience. How do I know this? Say it with me…I have had 20 years of proof.

Instead, we all just rolled along with only one sideways stank-eye after a little flip out at the TSA checkpoint. Those recombobulation areas are not just for putting your shoes back on. They’re for getting ALL your shit together.

Well, there’s my two days in a nutshell. I was just too caught up in the Kids Baking Championship on the Food Network to write last night. Those kids are really freaking unbelievable.

Who knew I could say I was busy not drinking? I thought I would be so bored. But, I have actually been busy the last couple of days; cleaning up from vacay, working, being creative, planting seeds, reading, writing, socializing, parenting, etc. Ya know, adulting with a side of fun.

The busy I used to know was much less productive. And this kind of busy focuses on nothing but the things most important to me. Finally.

Since I have to cover two days in like less than 20 minutes because I definitely turn in to a pumpkin at 10 pm, I’ll make this quick.

I have made some real progress over these last two months:

I used to look at eight weeks of anything and think, “pft, 8 weeks, that’s nothing.” Well it is…and it’s not. Two months is a long time but it’s also gone so fast too.

• In eight weeks I have gone from being nervous to go to book club because I thought it would be so awkward to looking forward to it.

• I have gone from having to sit straight up in a pigeon pose to being able to fold all the way down on to my forearms and genuinely relax.

• I have been able to dream some of the biggest dreams taking action toward those that have been waiting for me to do so.

• I have been able to accept that everyone is not going to have the same opinions about things and some are just never going to believe in me. And that’s so okay because for the first time in a long time I am believing in myself.

• I have rekindled old friendships, cultivated new ones and crossed paths with some of the lovliest human to walk the earth.

• My marriage has been better than it has been in years. Yes, years. There are lots of reasons for this (luck is not one of them) but I can’t help but thing this hasn’t been a contributing positive factor.

• The sleep is still orgasmic. IF there is no other reason…the sleeeeep.

• I have been more forgiving of myself and the negative self-talk has all but come to an end.

• We went to a movie on a Friday night with our kids. This is hardly believable considering what we used to do on Friday nights.

Of course, there’s so much more…and more to come. Since I am 2/3 of the way through this thang, of course I am starting to look forward.

What will the next step be? I’m not sure yet. And I am going to do my best to enjoy the moments I am in rather than stress about the moments I don’t even know if I’ll have.

Easier said than done.

I lost my shit today.

And by losing my shit, I mean I sobbed like a baby, not screamed at my kids like I usually elude to. Sometimes I just gotta do that (both) and I haven’t done that (the former) in a while.

Unknowingly it started yesterday with just a song. Dale and I were working in the shed…well he was working, I was rocking in front of the fireplace…not important. A new country song came on the radio and Dale innocently asked if I had heard it yet. I listened and loved.

There’s a backstory to rainbows for us. Dale’s dad passed away not all that long ago and the wounds are still pretty fresh. The summer and fall following were filled with rainbows…like a lot. So when a song titled Rainbow, followed by Dale saying he feels like that song means everything is going to be okay, I listened.

And keep listening.

Part of my, ahem, colorful personality allows me to play songs on repeat until my kids want to start banging their heads against the car windows. I can’t help it. It’s a gift. So, in the course of a couple of hours I knew this song by heart.

On my way to yoga today, as I’m driving through the farmland community where Dale grew up and approaching the cemetery where his dad is buried I lost my shit.

It’s not often I pull in by his grave site but in order to compose myself, and not get in a car accident, I swung in. I just couldn’t keep it together. It was like a flood of emotion took over. I couldn’t help but listen to the lyrics and wonder; how long had I been holding that umbrella?

After a few minutes of good ugly crying, I took a few deep breaths, gave Al a nod and continued on my way to yoga.

My life has been pretty charmed, I know that. In my short 40ish years I have never been hungry, without shelter or in any real danger, but I have also never claimed that I am trying to save the world either.

In many ways, it feels like the skies have finally opened. For decades I was standing in the same old storm not knowing that it had passed. I blamed a lot of my “issues” on past situations I had no control over. It was like sitting in a shitty diaper.

The past few years have brought some new storms that have needed different types umbrellas and some demanded straight up storm shelters but to be honest, I just got sick of weathering them.

I know…so many puns.

I feel like there are so many opportunities just knocking on my door right now. In my relationships, health, work, lifestyle…everything. I just want to be ready.

The past few weeks of yoga I have been breathing in “receive” and breathing out “release”. I know, some woo woo shit but I am sort of throwing everything at this Universe to get everything I want right now.

And damn it I could use rainbow-worthy weather.

Just in case you’re someone who likes to read lyrics:

When it rain it pours but you didn’t even notice
It ain’t rainin’ anymore, it’s hard to breathe when all we know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

If you could see what I see, you’d be blinded by the colours
Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around
Everything is alright now

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
Let go of your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
Yeah there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
It all be alright

I had one of those mornings where I wish I could just bottle it up and open it whenever I need a pick me up.

I am blessed to have good friends. I have pockets of friends from different walks of life; forever friends, friends I ask for advice, friends that ask for my advice, friends from past lives that resurface, work friends, thick and thin friends, friends that would do anything for me and I for them, family friends and parents of my kids’ friends friends. Many of them fall in to more than a few categories.

Following a difficult, yet satisfying yoga class, I had the privilege of sharing a cup (or two) of joe with two very, very good friends. They are relatively new at my ripe old age of 40 and in the big scheme of friendship but I have grown closer to and more comfortable with them than I had expected.

They are just good, real people. We cut through the bullshit at almost every meeting, SnapChat or text. It’s comforting to know there is little to no judgement from them…or if there is, they hide it well.

After a lovely couple of hours…yes, hours, one of them asked me what Day 91 will look like. I answered her honestly with an I don’t know. Because I really don’t. But she let me rattle on about my fears of slipping back in to old habits and then how my life has been filled with slippery slopes. I expressed my anxiety about going all this time and then feeling like a total failure if I have one drink on Day 91.

She just listened.

She didn’t judge me or tell me I shouldn’t feel that way or give me any advice or blow it off. Instead, when I was finished with my caffeine-induced monologue, she told me she was proud of me and that I should celebrate it, no matter how that looked. I wanted to tackle her to the ground with a bear hug but I thought that might be weird.

I walked out of that coffee shop so grateful for these two (and all my) friends and that our paths crossed. And a little hopped up on too much coffee. (<< slippery slope example)

I believe in signs. When we lived in Bayfield someone told me that it is a Native American belief that the sight of a bald eagle is good luck. Driving home, as I was turning on to our road, a big, beautiful eagle was circling right above my car. I had to pull over and get out to watch it. I stood there, freezing my ass off, and watched as he soared high above. I couldn’t help but think of him as another friend giving me a sign of good fortune.

I’m not going to worry about Day 91 anymore today. Or tomorrow. It’s not here yet so there’s really no reason to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet. And, how am I to know it will be scary when it gets here? I don’t.

There have been so many positive things to come out of the experiment. The relationship piece of it has been so positively enlightening.

I just had to have the “you do you” conversation with my 9-year-old.

I’ll spare you the long story, but turns out he’s being teased about something that he has little to no control over at this point in time. It concerns a certain skill set on a certain electronic box that a certain mom said she would never get for him. (We are striving for grace here people, not perfection. I also made a separate ramekin of tater tot casserole sans green beans for my 6 year old last night. Sue me. “I’ll never be a short order cook for my kids.” Said every mother before she became a mother.)

While the source of the teasing is not really that important, it could have been anything he doesn’t have control over, it presented a great teaching moment. And an opportune lesson for yours truly.

In the car with both my kids I tried to make them understand that a. if a friend is teasing you to purposely hurt your feelings, they aren’t real friends and maybe you need a little break b. if something you thought would be cool and it turns out it makes you feel icky, it’s okay to take a break and decide later if you want to go back to it and c. this is your life, not anyone else’s, so if you want something, cool, if you don’t that’s cool too. There’s no reason to live your life for other people. It’s your life. You do you.

Um. Hello?! McFly! How long have I been doing this? For.ev.er.

A similar, albeit less dramatic, situation arose today. I tend to bite off more than most people think I can chew. I often get the “how do you do all that?” or “why would you take on one more thing?” I have been accused of being a “yes girl” (get your head out of the gutter) and also strike fear in to some employers eyes’ when I take on yet one more task. And I’ll be the first to admit that I have dropped the ball on occasion. I am human after all.

But here’s the thing…I usually drop the ball when I don’t have enough going on or I don’t feel challenged. It’s most likely why I ended up with a C- minus average upon high school graduation…that I barely made it to.

I don’t claim to be smarter or a better multi-tasker than other people. (By the way, I think multi-tasking is just another way of doing a whole lot of shit half-assed…my unsolicited 2 cents. You’re welcome.) And I don’t love that “busy” has become the new “fine” either. But this is who I am, for better or worse. And I like it.

I am a worker. And I married a worker. I like to be busy and challenged and learn new things. I like to take risks and I am more afraid of the regret of never trying than of failing. What’s the worst that could happen?

When I don’t have enough to do, I get in to trouble…not the good, cute kind of trouble we used to get in to as early 20-somethings either. More like the laying-in-bed-all-day-not-able-to-do-anything-productive kind of trouble. Or let’s call a spade a spade here, gettin’ cozy with a box of vino.

There was a time someone questioning my sanity about projects, either to my face or behind my back, was an attack on my character. I took it personally and wondered if something was wrong with me.

Well, there’s not. I’m not broken. This is not a flaw. This is me. Finally, I am starting to believe in myself rather than looking for outside approval for every little thing we do. And this is what I was trying to explain to my kids tonight.

How about you be you and I’ll be me? Sounds like good, simple advice.