I'm Katy

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I lost my shit today.

And by losing my shit, I mean I sobbed like a baby, not screamed at my kids like I usually elude to. Sometimes I just gotta do that (both) and I haven’t done that (the former) in a while.

Unknowingly it started yesterday with just a song. Dale and I were working in the shed…well he was working, I was rocking in front of the fireplace…not important. A new country song came on the radio and Dale innocently asked if I had heard it yet. I listened and loved.

There’s a backstory to rainbows for us. Dale’s dad passed away not all that long ago and the wounds are still pretty fresh. The summer and fall following were filled with rainbows…like a lot. So when a song titled Rainbow, followed by Dale saying he feels like that song means everything is going to be okay, I listened.

And keep listening.

Part of my, ahem, colorful personality allows me to play songs on repeat until my kids want to start banging their heads against the car windows. I can’t help it. It’s a gift. So, in the course of a couple of hours I knew this song by heart.

On my way to yoga today, as I’m driving through the farmland community where Dale grew up and approaching the cemetery where his dad is buried I lost my shit.

It’s not often I pull in by his grave site but in order to compose myself, and not get in a car accident, I swung in. I just couldn’t keep it together. It was like a flood of emotion took over. I couldn’t help but listen to the lyrics and wonder; how long had I been holding that umbrella?

After a few minutes of good ugly crying, I took a few deep breaths, gave Al a nod and continued on my way to yoga.

My life has been pretty charmed, I know that. In my short 40ish years I have never been hungry, without shelter or in any real danger, but I have also never claimed that I am trying to save the world either.

In many ways, it feels like the skies have finally opened. For decades I was standing in the same old storm not knowing that it had passed. I blamed a lot of my “issues” on past situations I had no control over. It was like sitting in a shitty diaper.

The past few years have brought some new storms that have needed different types umbrellas and some demanded straight up storm shelters but to be honest, I just got sick of weathering them.

I know…so many puns.

I feel like there are so many opportunities just knocking on my door right now. In my relationships, health, work, lifestyle…everything. I just want to be ready.

The past few weeks of yoga I have been breathing in “receive” and breathing out “release”. I know, some woo woo shit but I am sort of throwing everything at this Universe to get everything I want right now.

And damn it I could use rainbow-worthy weather.

Just in case you’re someone who likes to read lyrics:

When it rain it pours but you didn’t even notice
It ain’t rainin’ anymore, it’s hard to breathe when all we know is
The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

If you could see what I see, you’d be blinded by the colours
Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others
So tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blown’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around
Everything is alright now

‘Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
Let go of your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
Yeah there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head
It all be alright

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I had one of those mornings where I wish I could just bottle it up and open it whenever I need a pick me up.

I am blessed to have good friends. I have pockets of friends from different walks of life; forever friends, friends I ask for advice, friends that ask for my advice, friends from past lives that resurface, work friends, thick and thin friends, friends that would do anything for me and I for them, family friends and parents of my kids’ friends friends. Many of them fall in to more than a few categories.

Following a difficult, yet satisfying yoga class, I had the privilege of sharing a cup (or two) of joe with two very, very good friends. They are relatively new at my ripe old age of 40 and in the big scheme of friendship but I have grown closer to and more comfortable with them than I had expected.

They are just good, real people. We cut through the bullshit at almost every meeting, SnapChat or text. It’s comforting to know there is little to no judgement from them…or if there is, they hide it well.

After a lovely couple of hours…yes, hours, one of them asked me what Day 91 will look like. I answered her honestly with an I don’t know. Because I really don’t. But she let me rattle on about my fears of slipping back in to old habits and then how my life has been filled with slippery slopes. I expressed my anxiety about going all this time and then feeling like a total failure if I have one drink on Day 91.

She just listened.

She didn’t judge me or tell me I shouldn’t feel that way or give me any advice or blow it off. Instead, when I was finished with my caffeine-induced monologue, she told me she was proud of me and that I should celebrate it, no matter how that looked. I wanted to tackle her to the ground with a bear hug but I thought that might be weird.

I walked out of that coffee shop so grateful for these two (and all my) friends and that our paths crossed. And a little hopped up on too much coffee. (<< slippery slope example)

I believe in signs. When we lived in Bayfield someone told me that it is a Native American belief that the sight of a bald eagle is good luck. Driving home, as I was turning on to our road, a big, beautiful eagle was circling right above my car. I had to pull over and get out to watch it. I stood there, freezing my ass off, and watched as he soared high above. I couldn’t help but think of him as another friend giving me a sign of good fortune.

I’m not going to worry about Day 91 anymore today. Or tomorrow. It’s not here yet so there’s really no reason to worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet. And, how am I to know it will be scary when it gets here? I don’t.

There have been so many positive things to come out of the experiment. The relationship piece of it has been so positively enlightening.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I just had to have the “you do you” conversation with my 9-year-old.

I’ll spare you the long story, but turns out he’s being teased about something that he has little to no control over at this point in time. It concerns a certain skill set on a certain electronic box that a certain mom said she would never get for him. (We are striving for grace here people, not perfection. I also made a separate ramekin of tater tot casserole sans green beans for my 6 year old last night. Sue me. “I’ll never be a short order cook for my kids.” Said every mother before she became a mother.)

While the source of the teasing is not really that important, it could have been anything he doesn’t have control over, it presented a great teaching moment. And an opportune lesson for yours truly.

In the car with both my kids I tried to make them understand that a. if a friend is teasing you to purposely hurt your feelings, they aren’t real friends and maybe you need a little break b. if something you thought would be cool and it turns out it makes you feel icky, it’s okay to take a break and decide later if you want to go back to it and c. this is your life, not anyone else’s, so if you want something, cool, if you don’t that’s cool too. There’s no reason to live your life for other people. It’s your life. You do you.

Um. Hello?! McFly! How long have I been doing this? For.ev.er.

A similar, albeit less dramatic, situation arose today. I tend to bite off more than most people think I can chew. I often get the “how do you do all that?” or “why would you take on one more thing?” I have been accused of being a “yes girl” (get your head out of the gutter) and also strike fear in to some employers eyes’ when I take on yet one more task. And I’ll be the first to admit that I have dropped the ball on occasion. I am human after all.

But here’s the thing…I usually drop the ball when I don’t have enough going on or I don’t feel challenged. It’s most likely why I ended up with a C- minus average upon high school graduation…that I barely made it to.

I don’t claim to be smarter or a better multi-tasker than other people. (By the way, I think multi-tasking is just another way of doing a whole lot of shit half-assed…my unsolicited 2 cents. You’re welcome.) And I don’t love that “busy” has become the new “fine” either. But this is who I am, for better or worse. And I like it.

I am a worker. And I married a worker. I like to be busy and challenged and learn new things. I like to take risks and I am more afraid of the regret of never trying than of failing. What’s the worst that could happen?

When I don’t have enough to do, I get in to trouble…not the good, cute kind of trouble we used to get in to as early 20-somethings either. More like the laying-in-bed-all-day-not-able-to-do-anything-productive kind of trouble. Or let’s call a spade a spade here, gettin’ cozy with a box of vino.

There was a time someone questioning my sanity about projects, either to my face or behind my back, was an attack on my character. I took it personally and wondered if something was wrong with me.

Well, there’s not. I’m not broken. This is not a flaw. This is me. Finally, I am starting to believe in myself rather than looking for outside approval for every little thing we do. And this is what I was trying to explain to my kids tonight.

How about you be you and I’ll be me? Sounds like good, simple advice.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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That was the flavor of ice cream I had tonight. I thought it was a fitting title.

I’m not really exhausted by my kids, just exhausted. I got up at 4:15 yesterday morning to work and then finally fell asleep this morning after 12:45 am. It’s a blessing having a mind filled with ideas and a curse that I can’t write them down fast enough.

So today, I’m tired. But…silver lining always right?

  • I didn’t hear one commercial on the radio today and I knew the words to every song. It was just one of those good radio days…I jammed out every time I got in to my car.

  • I made some major progress on a project I am working on. However, I had to become aware of some old nasty roadblocks I threw up for myself when something out of my control came up today. I recognized them, thanked them for the lesson and told them not to let the door hit ’em in the ass on the way out.

  • In the past couple of days I have received compliments about how “trim” I’ve gotten. (It helps that I’m real tan.) They’re right about 8 weeks (whoever they are):

Since we’re here, this brings up a good point. I know I haven’t listed my weight on here for a while (for inquiring minds: 201.1 this morning) and there’s good reason. This is going to be hard to swallow for me because I can hardly believe the words that are about to be typed…weight loss is not my top priority.

If you knew what went through my head on a daily basis for the past twenty years concerning my physical appearance, you’d have a hard time believing that. I did…I do.

I thought my weight defined me. I thought I wasn’t worthy of friendships because of my size. I thought I wasn’t worthy of success because of my body shape. I punished myself every single day.

Someone close to me joked yesterday that she didn’t think she had done anything for 64 days straight except read my blog. I chuckled because I think that’s true of a lot of us. It’s hard to stick to something for two months/eight weeks/60 days, however you choose to look at it.

But I can assure you, I beat myself up every day about my weight for the past 7,300+ days. I never missed an appointment with Dr. Putyourselfdown.

So, while my health is still my number one priority and I am still stepping on the scale everyday, I am paying way more attention to how I feel, how my clothes fit and how far I can fold over my thighs in pigeon pose; the yoga pose I love to hate.

I know, that’s boring.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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This week has sort of been a blur. I don’t know if it’s coming off vacation or the weather or what. But, my whole family is tired. And I am starting to have to calculate what day I am on. Never thought I’d say that.

It’s true we have a lot of irons in the fire right now. Just a whole bunch of projects coming together including our flower farming season is just about to explode with seed starting, field clean up, planting, etc.

This is about the time of year I go bat shit crazy. I’ve been cooped up in this house too long; all my cleaning and organizing efforts have waned, I start looking for new challenges and bite off way more than I can chew.

But, it’s just how I roll and the older I get the more a-okay with it I am. It keeps me out of trouble…and this year A LOT less trouble.

We had the time to go to a good ‘ole Wisconsin fish fry with friends tonight. And while normally I would not care that I have to work in the morning, or that I have plans to go to yoga, we’d go play Euchre and drink beer until midnight. Things are different now though.

Now, I’m not saying that will never happen ever again, just not tonight. I’m tired, I know I have to work tomorrow and I need to go to yoga. I knew all of this before too, I just didn’t care. I care more now and I’m enjoying all these little wins.

I put this out there to the social media world today, but in case you missed it I had a pretty big win today. First, even though I said I didn’t care about the scale the other day, it has read 197.5 for the past two days. (I care again) AND, I fit in to a shirt that has never looked or felt good on me, even when I bought it. Am I the only one with shit in their closet that doesn’t fit…with tags still on it? It’s okay if you do…I do too.

The other cool thing about this were the sweetest people handing out complements about my shirt today because they saw the ridiculous selfie I posted. While I said thank you to those that said, “nice shirt” with a wink and a smile, I’m not sure they will know how grateful I am they took the time and energy to voice the compliment. They didn’t have to. It means a lot when people notice and acknowledge efforts.

Plus, it makes me practice my intention of accepting compliments more gracefully. A work in progress for sure.

Here’s the kicker though…I came home to a letter in the mail, sealed with a golden unicorn. The card I pulled out read, “You Are Bat Shit Crazy. Yes, that’s a compliment.” Of course the card is perfect in every way but especially because it came from my hero in Oregon. A great way to top off the day.

Oh…AND Miles won $150 in pull tabs at the fish fry. Maybe that was the cherry on top. It’s a toss up.

I think I’ll go to bed while I’m ahead.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I better not be getting sick.

I went to yoga this morning and could hardly stand to be in child’s pose my body hurt so bad. I just couldn’t explain it, I didn’t overdo it physically this week, ate pretty good and I was most certainly not hungover.

I felt fine otherwise, except that I was (and am) super tired. I could have crawled in to bed at about 4:30 this afternoon and slept like a babe. Which is why I am writing this early…I plan to be in bed pretty darn soon.

I did want to just quickly talk about how touched and absolutely so grateful for someone who reached out to me privately in the past couple of days.

I go back and forth with this whole thing, like: is this too much information? Should I be writing to an audience? Does anyone even care? Do I even care if anyone cares? Yada yada yada.

After I have one of these episodes, I always come back to my original intention; this is a personal blog. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. I actually have it written on my white board in my attic. Keeps me grounded.

Well, in any case, it’s always somewhat bewildering when someone out of the blue makes a comment about it. Of course, there are my fans…and by fans I mean the ones I force to read it, like my family and my husband, but then there is this whole other pocket of people that I would have never imagined read it, or care.

But, I received the sweetest heartfelt message from someone I admire. Someone who has inspired me. It’s hard to wrap my head around that.

I know I have said this before (although it could have been 40 days ago, I have no idea) but the things I am writing about, and admitting to, I considered my biggest failures in life.

I thought these struggles were exclusive to me. Why couldn’t I just have one? And why couldn’t I just eat healthy? And why couldn’t I just get out of bed? And why did I have to yell at my kids? And why did everyone else seem so put together? Why was I the only one?

Who knew my struggles, and by merely voicing them, would turn out to be the source of my greatest joy and accomplishment?

By nature I like helping people and I like to feel useful (I mean who doesn’t?) and even though writing has allowed me a way just to get this shit out of my head, the opportunity of helping just one person has made all the vulnerability worth it.

If you’ve been following along now for a while, you know that I have changed the format of this blog like 92 times. It’s evolved, as have I, from a destination to a never-ending journey.

There won’t be a pot of gold at the end of this 90 days. Or 180 days or 40 more years. I am still going to be the same person, maybe with different hobbies and habits, but just plain ‘ole me. I’ll still be wearing yoga pants with every outfit, struggling like hell not to bite my fingernails again, stripping my bra off the minute I walk in my door and eating Pirate’s Booty every chance I get.

And if I’m sick tomorrow, I’m gonna be pissed.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I cry a lot.

Not necessarily because I am sad, mostly just emotional. It can be out of frustration, fear, joy, sadness, gratefulness; whatever the occasion calls for. If you need a crier, I’m your gal.

I have definitely been accused of being “too sensitive or emotional” or taking things “too personally”. I used to find these things faults, mainly because when the comments were directed at me, it was in a negative way.

But what are our lives if not personal? We have emotions and when they get to the top of our cup, sometimes they spill over in the form of tears. What’s so wrong with that? The alternative is to shove those feelings back, way deep down so when they are forced to come out when it’s way more destructive than a few little tears.

When you read it that way, which one sounds real stupid?

Crying basically comes down to vulnerability. A tear, or a full-on ugly cry, may represent weakness to the masses, or maybe even to a few of your loved ones, but it’s just honesty and authenticity.

While at work today, I ran in to a friend (of a friend of a friend of a friend…you get the idea) that cried. She was so frustrated about a chronic issue, she couldn’t hold it in (you don’t know this person, so don’t go trying to guess) and I just couldn’t let her cry alone.

I could see in her eyes and in her trembling body that she had been trying to be “strong” for so very long. In my eyes, this woman is a total beast; as a physical specimen, mother, professional, friend, wife, etc. And this is just the very little I know about her.

It looked like it just got to be too much.

I felt her pain and even though it was probably real awkward, I walked around the desk and made her give me a hug. I know what it’s like to be in chronic pain and how debilitating it can be to feel like you have no control over your body.

I couldn’t help but visualize the frustration overflowing from her cup. I think about how hard it must have been for her. How weak she must have felt because of the bullshit we put around this thing called “sensitive”.

But, in my eyes, it just made her human. And her humanity made her my hero. She was already sort of my hero, but she just donned her red cape today.

I catch myself often saying to my kids, “that’s nothing to cry about” or “stop crying”. What am I teaching them? That it’s better to push it down than let a natural, bodily function go?

Isn’t that like holding in a fart? The end result is basically the same…a lot of pain followed by a major explosion in a very inopportune place.

Think about that the next time you decide to hold a good cry in.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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“I don’t understand you. And why aren’t you understanding me?”

This was the gist of the conversation that started out my morning. My husband and I have been working very hard on our communication skills but we had a momentary lapse of concentration today.

It went a little something like this…you tell me if it sounds familiar:

I texted him something that I thought was good news.
He texted back a joke.
I did not think it was funny and actually thought it was in poor taste. I text back something snotty.
He texts back question marks.
I again text back something passive aggressive.
He calls.
We argue.
I hang up.
He calls back.
He hangs up.
I call him.
We start over.
All is right in the world again.

Man that looks dumb. But, for better or worse, this is our blissful life.

After the five minute exchange of ridiculousness, I thought to myself how misconstrued things can get in the throngs of stress.

Both of us have had a stretch of about 10 pretty stressful days. Not chronic stress, just the kind that your body makes you pay attention to. And this is new for me. I just went about my days paying little or no attention to how I dealt with stress or if I even had it at all. I just thought the irritability, sensitivity and overall bitchiness was part of who I was.

And while this current stress is a little self-inflicted mixed with a little faith leaping, it still comes with it’s share of unsightly reactions. The difference is this time I am hyper-aware. It’s sort of like watching a murder mystery unfold and realizing you knew who the guilty party was all along.

I know now that all of these negative reactions to things (stress) come from fear. That’s it. Fear.

I could talk for days about what I was/am afraid of, but ultimately, I cannot control whatever is going to happen anyway, so fuck it. And worrying about what might happen in a minute or a month or a year steals the joy from right this moment.

And since I’m feeling pretty damn good right now, I think I’ll stay here for a while.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I like learning new things. Not in the way that you planners might like it.

More like, “Squirrel?” or “that’s shiny…what is it?”

I tend to fall in to a rabbit hole of information that just keeps going and going and going. One article leads to another and another and pretty soon I am three hours in to something that looks totally different than when it started. While this may be an inconvenient way to go about learning something new, it’s my way.

I also think I can and should do everything and until very recently, I hung on to tasks I suck at rather than delegate them to people who enjoy them. This is a very unusual feeling for me but it’s called surrendering and so far I kinda like it.

It frees up space in my brain for other, more creative things to happen. But mostly, I have realized I’m not lazy if I don’t complete every little fricking detail of a project.

First off, those are totally not my jam: details. I skim almost everything I read (until I figure out that I probably missed what I was looking for to begin with), I rarely check dates and times and rely on copying and pasting way too much. While details are not my highest ranked skill, I have many friends and co-workers that love that shit.

I have done some digging here. It’s not sensible to think I can do it all and do it all well. Actually it’s quite arrogant. To think I have all the strengths is absurd. Yes, I will admit, I have some talent in certain facets of my life, but man, my weaknesses are plenty.

Here’s the thing though, for all my weaknesses another human was placed directly in my life to fill those exact voids. If I listed out all of my weaknesses on a legal pad, I could probably name a person I know (and adore) next to each one in which it would be their number one strength. Life is pretty rad like that…if you look.

And here’s the other thing (remember, I love me some things), our strengths and weaknesses evolve. What once was a challenge may not be anymore and therefore kind of boring. And what once came easy may have evolved in a direction in which we need to learn something new to tackle it again.

I have a to-do list about a mile long right now and as I look at it, I know there are some things on there that I just will not do well. I want to, but I won’t. I’ll bang my head against the wall for hours trying to learn it only to fuck it up enough so that I have to either start over or spend more money to have someone else unfuck it. How do I know this? I have 20 years of proof.

The moral of this story is to take your list, surrender your control and ask for some fricking help already. And if it’s something you think I can help you with…you know I’m your yes girl.

I'm Katy

Here I spill the tea on balancing hustle and heart with tips and tricks for thriving in business while taking care of yourself, because success is best served with a side of serenity!

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I’ve got two weeks to go on this thing. It’s hard to believe actually.

Even harder to believe that the past few days have been the hardest. I am finding myself thinking about sipping wine on a patio or having a cold beer after a day in my gardens. It’s sort of annoying actually.

I mean, I’m still pluggin’ away. I haven’t cheated…even though I really wanted a Bloody Mary with my bff on her birthday today. But, seven hours later I am thankful I didn’t. I accomplished a ton today and I just know had I started with the bloody at noon, it would have been a long day of nothingness. And an even longer day tomorrow.

Instead, I enjoyed a basketball banquet with some pretty cool parents (and very obnoxious 4th grade boys) and did a little planning with a side of dreaming with my husband. I have a busy work day tomorrow and I won’t have any problem making it through successfully.

And, last night I made it through a third card club sober; laughing harder than I had at the last one, which I thought would be hard to beat. My cheeks still hurt.

So, here’s the million dollar question: do I stay the course or do I test my faith on Day 91? And by testing my faith, I mean trusting that I won’t feel like a total failure if I have a drink or two.

Yes, I know, I need to give myself a break, but this is the shit running through my head for better or worse. I am scared that if I give myself an inch, I’ll take the whole mile.

However, I still have time and I am going to choose to enjoy these moments rather than get stuck in being fearful of something I don’t even know will happen. And if it does happen, how do I know it will be bad?

I don’t.

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hero's journey

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Learning how to develop your own hero's journey can be a profound experience for a high-achieving woman like yourself. It offers a unique opportunity to embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth tailored to your life's narrative. By delving into the hero's journey framework, you can uncover valuable insights about your own journey—recognizing the challenges you've faced, celebrating your triumphs, and pinpointing moments of transformation. This mini-course serves as a powerful tool for taking stock of your experiences, goals, and dreams, empowering you to navigate your path with clarity and purpose. Through introspection inspired by the hero's journey, you can tap into your strengths, confront obstacles head-on, and embark on a transformative quest toward greater fulfillment and success.

i write therefore i am.

Hi, I'm Katy.
Your lifestyle designer and business mentor.

Writing is my way of unwinding and letting my thoughts roam free. Every so often, in the midst of this creative chaos, something clicks, and I'm like, "Hmm, maybe someone else will dig this too." So, I toss it out into the world, hoping it lands with someone who gets it.
I hope that's you.

Learn more

In a world that continually celebrates the achievements of women breaking through glass ceilings, climbing corporate ladders, and excelling in their chosen fields, it's easy to assume that these high-achieving women have it all together.  Read more.


The Struggle of High-Achieving Women

balancing success and everything else