[00:00:00] Katy Ripp: Hey guys, and welcome back to hashtag. Actually, I can, my name is Katy Ripp and let’s get into it. So we are back at the Women’s Playbook, and if you’ve been following along for a while, you know what we’re doing here, which is we’re taking the old rules of business and life, really the ones that were never really written for us women, and we’re rewriting them into something really honest and sustainable and real for us.

[00:00:27] Katy Ripp: So far, we’ve covered the Grinder Die rule. The play small rule, the don’t talk about money rule, keep it in personal rule, the competition rule, the follow the blueprint rule, and the never show weakness rule. And if there’s one thing that ties ’em all together, it’s this. We were taught to hold it all together at all times.

[00:00:48] Katy Ripp: Which brings us to today’s rule, which is the keep it all together rule. This one is gonna run deep. It is that quiet pressure to look like you’ve got it all handled. Even when you don’t, you’re smiling, you’re showing up, you’re answering emails, you’re juggling all the pieces. You say you’re good or you’re fine when someone asks, because that’s what good women, good leaders and good daughters are taught to do.

[00:01:13] Katy Ripp: But sometimes life’s hands you a season that just levels you. And no amount of strength or systems or staff meetings can keep you from that free fall. And that’s actually where I am right now. So we are going to get into it today, and I will tell you that sometimes I like to think that I can be a. Ahead of the curve.

[00:01:35] Katy Ripp: I can be a planner, I can be all the things, but in reality, I write my Love Monday email newsletters on Sunday. I am recording this actual podcast episode on a Sunday, when they’re due on Monday for my producer. I’m so sorry, Chanley, but this is how I work and it actually, sometimes it works out in my favor.

[00:01:57] Katy Ripp: Like this one, the Keeping it All Together rule. My mom died three weeks ago today. And even saying that out loud feels really strange. It’s like I’m reporting something that’s happened to somebody else. It still does not feel real. And part of that is maybe because we haven’t had her celebration of life yet, which is.

[00:02:19] Katy Ripp: There’s a reason we have rituals and ceremonies like that. It is some sort of closure. And we waited. We just had scheduling conflicts and my brother and my sister have busy schedules. My sister lives out of town, so she had to get her family here. So the having it a month later just happened to be the way that it worked out.

[00:02:41] Katy Ripp: I still have photos sitting in boxes that I am supposed to be having on bulletin boards and in slideshows. I definitely have emails that I have not answered. We have thank you notes that need to go out and I can feel myself doing what I’ve always done in hard seasons is trying to hold it all together and the thing is.

[00:03:02] Katy Ripp: I don’t even know that I’m doing it very well. I feel extremely unmotivated, which is so unlike me, and my creative spark feels super dim if it’s there at all. My to-do list is long and I know it, and my heart just feels like really foggy, and yet all the businesses are still running. My team is showing up like they have always done in these seasons of life for me.

[00:03:26] Katy Ripp: The house is getting unpacked and actually I feel really good about the house getting unpacked because if you missed it, we did move the day before my mom died. So we moved into our dream home and it has been another life change and a little bit uncomfortable because I don’t have all my normal spaces to drink coffee.

[00:03:47] Katy Ripp: I’m trying to find new routines, and yet somehow life is still moving forward. It is because I have help that I am able to. Function right now, and I have systems in place and people who actually care about me and how our life runs, so I could not do it without them. If you’re listening to this, you know who you are, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[00:04:13] Katy Ripp: But a few days ago I was talking with my friend Patty and said I really just don’t know if I’ve actually become super resilient to stress or if I’m just numb. Or if it just hasn’t hit me yet. And of course she nodded because the truth is it’s probably all of it. Grief is never one thing. It’s layers of old and new pain, overlapping moments and echoes of every loss that came before.

[00:04:38] Katy Ripp: And I know this terrain, I’ve walked it before, but in a different role when my father-in-law died a few years ago. Actually, quite a few years ago now, it’s been almost nine years. I was the one holding space for my husband. I was making meals and keeping things running and making sure that he was okay.

[00:04:54] Katy Ripp: This time, I’m the actual daughter, and that role hits totally differently. There are moments when I totally feel okay, like even grateful. Then out of nowhere it catches me like the quiet and the ache and the disbelief of it, and the complex relationship. Mothers and daughters have hits me like a brick, and in the middle of all of it, my old stink.

[00:05:20] Katy Ripp: In the middle of all of this, my old instinct kicks in to keep going, keep producing, keep smiling. Don’t let the cracks show, but I know better now. I know that this is the part of the story where I have to take my own advice, even though it’s very hard. I have to let things fall apart a little. I have to let my inbox fill up and let the creativity be quiet for a little while and let the house stay undone.

[00:05:48] Katy Ripp: Trying to force normal when nothing feels normal, is self betrayal. So right now I’m practicing as much grace as I can for myself and for the people around me and for the process. I keep reminding myself everything that’s meant for me will still be here when I come out of this haze. And anything that falls away was just not meant to stay.

[00:06:11] Katy Ripp: This, keep it all together. Rule is super sneaky. So it shows up when you tell everyone you’re fine because you don’t want to make them uncomfortable. And this is showing up for me in so many ways. Like I haven’t seen very many people. I’ve lived in my new house up on the hill and I haven’t really left my house, but when I do leave my house, I haven’t seen a lot of people, so I sort of get that.

[00:06:35] Katy Ripp: Really sad face where people are coming up and giving me huge hugs and I’m forgetting why they’re doing that. It feels very strange and the, oh my God, how are you? Which I do this too to people that have lost. I do this too. This is a very natural reaction to somebody that has suffered a loss, right?

[00:07:00] Katy Ripp: The how are you actually doing? And the hugs, and I am all over it. I love it. I am super appreciative of it, but it sometimes catches me off guard. And my instinct or my gut reaction is, oh, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. We’re working through it. We’re feeling really, grateful that she passed peacefully and, all of the like cookie cutter responses I think people have.

[00:07:25] Katy Ripp: And that is just a, an instinct that is this keep it together rule. Now I haven’t had the. Visceral reaction of like falling apart in these instances where I would like, oh my God, run to my car and I have to keep it together so no one sees me cry. That sort of thing. I, it’s not that, it’s the I’m fine rule, it’s the I’m fine response.

[00:07:51] Katy Ripp: It also shows up when we’re trying to keep busy instead of feeling, so I’ve noticed this when I’ve started to unpack the house, or I keep moving things around or rearranging or purchasing. I’m doing a little bit of retail therapy. I’m not gonna lie. I did. Show myself my finances last night and I was like, Hmm, maybe I should stop with buying things for the house right now that we don’t really need.

[00:08:16] Katy Ripp: But it is a comfort level. So I just had to become aware of it and realize, oh, did we really need those lamps? Maybe we did, and I do really love ’em, but it was a definite, that’s a definite retail therapy moment for me, so I’m. By shopping or by rearranging things. I’m trying to keep busy rather than just sitting with my feelings.

[00:08:40] Katy Ripp: And I know that it also shows up when we’re trying to manage grief, like a project plan. Ask me how many spreadsheets I have created in the last week for, trying to clean the house, trying to make sure that we’re not missing big maintenance project because this house is three times the size of our other one and 10 times the size of our no, five times the size of our other land.

[00:09:05] Katy Ripp: We have some maintenance projects that should not get missed, but I’ve created an entire spreadsheet for it. Do you think I’ve looked at the spreadsheet since then? No, I have not. It was just a creation of it, so that’s also one of those sneaky ways that this rule sneaks in. We think we’re being strong and we think we’re doing things and being super productive, but we’re really doing is postponing our healing and postponing the grief.

[00:09:33] Katy Ripp: And I know this, I don’t think we were ever meant to hold it all together. I don’t believe that, but this is how they show up. I think we were meant to hold each other, to have communities and teams and friendships that. Step in when we cannot, to let the rope go slack sometimes and trust that it won’t all unravel because actually it won’t.

[00:09:59] Katy Ripp: Life moves on the people and the places and the things and the space and the time and the money. If they were meant for you, they will wait. They will be patient.

[00:10:08] Katy Ripp: This rule, the Keep it All Together rule is built on the illusion that order equals safety. But control is super fragile. Life will shatter it eventually, no matter how tightly you grip this rule. When things fall apart, it’s not a sign that you’re doing it wrong. It’s an invitation to build something a little bit more honest than it was before.

[00:10:30] Katy Ripp: I know that sounds super neat and tidy and very orderly, but it’s not. It’s messy, and I am totally in the messy middle right now. I can recognize it. I can see myself doing the things that are. Sneaky and the things that are comfortable to me, but when it’s quiet, it’s lonely, but it’s real and falling apart teaches us what’s essential.

[00:10:57] Katy Ripp: It strips away the performance and the striving and the illusion of balance, and leaves us really with the truth. And the truth is the foundation for whatever comes next.

[00:11:08] Katy Ripp: So here’s the new rule, and this is the one I’m gonna be following too. Let it fall apart when it needs to let the version of yourself that can’t cry, that can’t pause, that can’t rest go, because the cracks are how the light gets in. Sometimes holding it all together is actually what’s keeping us stuck.

[00:11:28] Katy Ripp: Letting things fall apart does not mean giving up. It means trusting that you’re strong enough to rebuild when you’re ready. And let me also mention here, this doesn’t have to be your mother dying. This doesn’t have to be some catastrophic. Damage control situation. This can simply be a decision on your end to let something go or build something in the meantime, this doesn’t have to be some major life event.

[00:11:58] Katy Ripp: This can just be a decision on your part. It might look like saying no to something you just cannot carry right now. It might be asking for help even if it’s awkward. Believe me, I’ve been here this week.

[00:12:11] Katy Ripp: This might be letting work run on autopilot while you heal or letting the emails sit for a little bit. You don’t have to go to email box zero. Letting your creative spark be quiet until it’s ready for you to come back. This has been my biggest challenge so far. I feel like I need to be creating, and it’s a comfort spot for me, and I get it, but I really don’t feel the motivation to do it.

[00:12:36] Katy Ripp: So it’s actually a futile effort because anything I create right now isn’t gonna be coming from a place of actual creativity and motivation. It’s gonna be coming from a place of productivity, which is a fake place for me right now. Here’s our challenge for this week, and I’m taking this on too. Stop trying to hold it all together, whatever that means for us.

[00:13:02] Katy Ripp: Stop. Whatever that means for you. Stop. Let something go undone. Let the people who love you step in and help. Let the mess exist without apologizing for it, and trust that everything that’s meant for you will still be there when you’re ready.

[00:13:19] Katy Ripp: The truth is letting go. The truth is letting go is what makes us whole. The new rule, let A, let it fall apart when it needs to. Because falling apart isn’t failure. It’s actually transformation. And for a long time, I’ve actually thought or felt in my soul that I have a new chapter coming and maybe this is the piece that makes me turn the page.

[00:13:46] Katy Ripp: When we stop trying to control the unraveling, we make space for what’s meant to grow in its place. That means we have to sit and we have to be quiet, and we have to listen to the universe, and we have to visualize a few things that might be there for us that we’re not.

[00:14:02] Katy Ripp: This is the space to sit with those feelings. Maybe look for a new visualization. Maybe look for a new manifestation. Tell the universe that she’s not alone and you are listening and you are willing to receive.

[00:14:18] Katy Ripp: Thank you for letting me. Thank you for being here today and letting me be honest about where I am in real time. It actually felt really therapeutic to talk to my computer screen and talk to you. So if you have any questions or would like more information about working with me or just have a story that resonates, that this resonates that you’re going through something similar, I would love to hear it.

[00:14:46] Katy Ripp: You can always email me at Katie Rip. Katie rip.com. I would love to hear from you. Tune in next week. We are talking about the success equals sacrifice rule, and why joy, not struggle is a new metric of growth. See you next week.