I am taking a little different approach rather than chopping this up in to categories.

Today is about the “why” of this journey. And, if you haven’t discovered already, this is about way more than just drinking for me. I knew in my heart of hearts that this one habit was at the top of the hill. And we all know which direction shit slides.

The following list of wishes and whys were written on February 5, 2018. I have been shuffling them from paper pile to paper pile all this time, but never threw them away. I must have known at some point that I would need to reference them.

The original list was written solely for the weight loss goal I had set for myself. [Note the date. I had very obviously given up on my resolution early in the game to then reset it in mid-February.] However, since I am convinced that my alcohol consumption directly affected my weight and ultimately my poor self-image, all of these apply to my current sitch.

So, here they are, written exactly as I wrote them out last February:

Be able to:

• Put my hands on my hips

• Cross my legs

• Lay down on the a flat surface comfortably

• Tie my shoes easily

• Have more energy

• Inspire someone

• Wake up feeling good and well rested

• Fit in to all my clothes

• Write my own success story

• *Not feel like I am stuffing sausage in to a casing every time I get dressed.

• *Be more present for my kids and Dale

These are new but should have been on there last year.

Things I need to do:

• Make my bed

• Plan my days

• Change my sitting habit

• Remember all the why’s

• Prepare at least 3 meals per week

• Start drinking tea in stead of coffee

• Cut out sugary drinks

• Walk/run at least 30 minutes per day (could be broken up)

• Practice self care by treating myself like my own best friend

• Cut down on drinking alcohol so I can be more present

• Plan my meals and pay attention to what I am putting in my mouth

• Eat or drink 400 calories less per day

• Burn 600 calories per day in exercise

My why list from 2018.

Since honesty is my jam these days, a few days after my 40th birthday last October, I barely got out of bed. Even after an amazing surprise party thrown my my closest friends and hubs, I was so depressed I could hardly function. For sure I was hungover for a couple of those days, but this was much heavier.

I had wasted the last twenty years of my life in a cycle of shame and guilt surrounding drinking, eating habits and a terrible self confidence and body image. Of course I had fleeting moments of happiness, bliss and gratitude in all those years, but the majority of my breaths were plagued with shame.

I know this sounds sad and maybe surprising (and I did end up calling my doctor to get help) to some of you since I can put on a pretty good show, but the reason I am sharing is because I want to remember where I’ve been so I can appreciate where I’m at. And, if there’s someone out there suffering like I did, maybe my story will help.

In these 18 short days I have realized that everything I was so scared of was just sitting there waiting for me on the other side of my decision. I don’t feel bad about that, I’m just thankful I didn’t wait any longer.

I also want to recognize that the first part of that list may sound very simple to some people, and possibly things that some take for granted. If you would have showed me that list at 20 years old I would have rolled my eyes and said, “That will never happen to me.”

The second part of this list is literally my task list every day and if you’ve been following along, you’d know that.

It’s completely crazy on so many levels that I saved that list all these months. Those of you that know me well know that I don’t keep an organized house and paperwork is my nemesis. Most of it ends up in the circular file whether I need it or not. I promise I found this list on Wednesday, January 16th, 2019.

The Universe must have really wanted me to have it.