December 24th, 2018

“Let’s quit drinking for 90 days! Come on…it will be fun” – said no one ever.

Yet, here I am.

For as long as I can remember every New Year’s resolution I have made begins with much hope, merriment and bravado. I LOVE New Year’s Day, so much so that I usually don’t go out on New Year’s Eve because I hate feeling like shit the next day. Which, given my love of a good party, it’s beyond ironic.

Typically, by the first weekend in January, however, my efforts begin to fade. I quickly slip in to old habits, remembering in my younger years I had much more tenacity; making it to at least Valentine’s Day. But, even with all the proof of failure, I haven’t given up my love for a good New Year’s resolution. And I am a total cheerleader for those who believe, even when the world rolls their eyes.

• You want to eat healthier? Awesome.

• Maybe exercise more? Just do it.

• Save some money? Sweet.

• Perhaps pay off that debt? Yes, finally.

• Write a book. Cool. Me too.

Big or small, I don’t care what it is, I love them all.

But, this is where I have gone wrong all these years; the above list is about making external things “better”. I realize now everything stems from self-care. (I know. It sort of makes me want to throw up a little in my mouth too) But if we don’t take care of ourselves first, nothing else will get taken care of.

It’s pretty simple. And it’s not.

Something always gets in the way of my good intentions and for me, it’s wine. She is the perfect frenemy; sitting back, arms crossed, chuckling on January 1st only to turn around to pat me on the back January 8th with a cute little “nice try.” She wiggles her way back with a “what will one little glass hurt?” clouding my judgement until I’m halfway through a box of wine, sabotaging all my efforts.

She’s the innocent invitation from a friend looking for company to commiserate over jobs, spouses, kids, money, friends, you name it.

She’s Mommy’s little helper after tough day at work or with the kids or out of shear boredom or avoidance.

She’s the spoonful of sugar that allows me to numb any feelings that I just don’t have the energy to tackle.

She’s got some good qualities too; an excuse to see said-friends, the courage to let down a guard and tell the truth, etc.

Recently though, and if I’m being honest here, for quite some time (years in fact), the cons are out-weighing the pros. For the last six months I have thought long and hard about giving up alcohol for 90 days.

This is not an impulsive I-drank-too-much-on-New Year’s Eve kind of decision. As a matter of fact, I am sitting here on Christmas Day, in my kitchen preparing this “announcement”. I need to make some pretty big life decisions soon and I need a clear head. And I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Why 90 days?

In my humble opinion, it’s a long enough commitment to make a noticeable difference and short enough to actually achieve. I know this will likely throw some people [I love] in to a tizzy, ironically, many of them having part ownership of my heart.

They’ll think they can’t invite me places because I “won’t be fun anymore”. They’ll feel bad for having a drink in front of me or any number of other things I don’t care to assume. Drinking has been part of my identity from adolescence through all of my adult life so I can understand it might be uncomfortable for them and me. And, I’m ok with that. Because, here’s the thing: I just really can’t care about outside opinions.

This has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Just me.

It’s really quite simple. I want something I’ve never had, so I have to do something I’ve never done. This is about putting MYSELF and MY goals at the top of MY list. It’s been entirely too long, if ever, that I have found myself here. I have some big dreams and I believe in my heart of hearts that if I can find a clear head for a few months, the sky is the limit.

I also don’t think I am alone in some of these goals, which is why I have also made a decision to share my experience. Truthfully, I need some accountability too and the best way to get that is to air out my dirty laundry for all to judge. Oh, and I decided to throw in no coffee and no soda just for fun.

Here’s the plan:

• Posts. I’ll journal every day here from Day 0 to Day 90, even if only a sentence or two but let’s be real, it’s probably going to be longer than that. Prepare yourselves. The last time I took 90 days off from drinking was pre-age 14, a stint in the Middle East for seven months and two over-due pregnancies. All of those experiences offered a major excuse not to drink; the lack of choice. What I am talking about here is facing every day temptations and making the choice to say no. I’m not sure what this will be like.

• The truth. I am going to get mighty real. I promise to respect everyone involved, but ultimately this is my story. If you choose to be a part of my life…you’re a part of my story. Good, bad, ugly. The decision has been made. There’s a difference between “I’m trying” and “I’ve decided”. I have already resigned to the fact I won’t have a beer (or 10) poolside in Florida this February and I won’t drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.

• There’s never a good time. From the depths of my soul, believe me when I tell you there is no good time to do this. There will always be a holiday, birthday, vacation, wedding, snow storm, beautiful spring day or a boring Tuesday night that will provide the ideal opportunity to stall this decision. I’ve only spent about 20 years finding “just the right time”.

• Do I have a problem? The fact that I want to take something out of my life that I think is not serving a purpose in my current situation thereby actively finding a solution to it? Well then, I guess that makes it a problem. Believe me when I tell you I have researched this very question. I know there are believers in many, many schools of thought about this very issue. For now, this is the path I am taking.

If you have specific questions or would like to offer a word of encouragement, please do so below.

With all of my love, hope, happiness and joy for the new year,

Happy New Year!

As I have said before, January 1st is one of my favorite days of the year and this year will not disappoint.

Today I spent it cleaning up my planner; filling in the important dates I have this month, this week and tomorrow, writing down my goals and then breaking them down in to bite-sized bits, writing out my monthly budget and playing in the freshly fallen snow with the dogs, cats and kiddos (< this is very unlike me).

Let’s not get crazy though, I also laid in my bed and watched two episodes of The Crown. It’s only 6:30p and I want to go to bed already, but I promised Maddie a game of Brain Quest.

So, all in all, a pretty boring Day 1, but also a successful one. We even went to our neighborhood bar for lunch and I had a club soda even though when my husband asked for it the bartender said, ‘like just club soda in a cup?’ I can’t imagine this will be the last time I get asked this.

I got a little irritated at the end of the day while I was doing dishes and trying to keep the puppies out of the dishwasher, but probably not totally out of the ordinary.

Happy New Year all! I hope the first day to your 2019 was a good one.

I decided today that I am going to break these posts down in to categories since, otherwise, I’ll be all over the place with my thoughts. I suppose some days will have blank categories and other will be filled to the brim, but you get the idea.

Mainly, I am trying to scrub out and clean up five main buckets [buckets sound cooler than categories]:

• Health + Fitness

• House + Home

• Debt + Finances

• Parenthood + Relationships

• Travel + Staycations

Health + Wellness

I have decided to share my weight with all of you. I know…GASP! However, I do wear it around on my bones and muscles all day every day so I am not hiding anything anyway. I promised truth, you’re gonna get the truth: 213.1 That’s what it was this morning when I woke up…and yesterday morning.

It won’t be a secret that this 90 day journey has a weight loss goal attached to it. I can do math, I know how many calories are in a glass of peanut gringilo (read: Pinot Grigio, sorry, inside joke, but funny enough for your enjoyment) and I know how many glasses of said wine I was drinking. It’s simple math. I am tracking my weight loss on a couple of apps to see which, if any, I like. I’ll post those graphics along the way and give you my full report.

I spent 30 minutes in the So Sound Lounge at Spa-Tique, enjoyed a magnificent 60 minute massage and I’ll be heading to yoga in a little bit. I’d say my body feels pretty darn good today.

House + Home

Well, my house is sort of still torn up from the holidaze and my lack of motivation to clean it up. I spent my 15 minutes this morning doing dishes, cleaning out the fridge and making the beds, but other than that, I have been working from home most of the day. It will still be there tomorrow.

Debt + Finances

I HAD to go grocery shopping this morning. On top of my husband forgetting that the kids were going back to school today, we had no cereal, milk, bread or yogurt. The horror! I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to hear anyone bitching that we didn’t have any food MORE. But, alas, this was a totally successful trip! First of all, it took me like 25 minutes because I was smart enough to make a list and meal plan before I went (I know, genius).

Almost everything on that list was on sale. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the day after the New Year and no one’s buying food because they all went on diets or what (and honestly, I don’t really care why) but seriously, I saved $34 on a $110 bill. I was pretty darn proud of myself.

Oh, and I also saved the $21.99 that I DIDN’T spend on wine. I think I’ll just take that $20 out of my wallet and put it in a safe place.

Parenthood + Relationships

This morning was harried and I wasn’t all that nice to my husband or kids. We were late due to a necessary shower because I sweat like a hog last night. We didn’t have the breakfast anyone wanted and I couldn’t find any fucking gloves for Miles. I slowed down enough to at least give everyone a kiss and hug and tell them I love them, but not my proudest morning ever.

Travel + Staycations

Besides my massage and yoga which in my book qualify as a staycation, not much here today. It did snow about 5 inches in the last few days so it looks beautiful. I went outside and watched the dogs frolic in the snow for a while. I think that counts since it’s one of my favorite things.

Update: I did get my ass to yoga today. It was blissful. I can almost guarantee that had this 90 day decision not have been made, I would have bought the wine and stayed home. I know that because I did it last week. Also, just a little thought that struck me tonight. My husband asked how Day Two went, bless his heart. I said, “Geez. I have gone two days without drinking wine or coffee before you know.” (I know, not very studly in the old appreciation department.) It brings up a good point. Today was like any ordinary day; no event or social engagement to navigate. I’m guessing the first seven days are not going to be the tough ones…stay tuned.

Health + Wellness

The day started out like all the others this week; five minutes of guided meditation with my feet up the wall (on my handsome new DIY headboard by my husband), making my bed, spending five minutes with my planner, brushing my teeth and weighing myself.

208.3

Boom. And, yes, I know it’s probably water weight, but it’s still a win. However, this is about where I self-sabotage. I would consider this worthy of a reward, like a night in with a good-intentioned friend, and I would “deserve” a glass (or 3) of wine after all the work I put in this week. Plus it’s almost the weekend!

Unfortunately, I would wake up tomorrow feeling ashamed and guilty and like a failure. And, of course it would be the weekend, so “I’ll start Monday again.” Again.

Not this time you Wine Witch. I 5-4-3-2-1’d my ass out for a walk on a beautiful Wisconsin winter day. Win.

House + Home

I was right. It’s still here…and will be tomorrow.

I spent my fifteen minutes this morning, but that was about it.

Debt + Finances

Besides the $40 I HAD to put in my gas tank because I literally had 2 miles left when I pulled in to the station, I spent no money today.

Parenthood + Relationships

We had a rough day with Miles. I am not sure if he’s still nursing the Christmas break hangover or what. He was moody, snappy and all-around crabby. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right (he is my child after all), but something felt off. I immediately went in to “I’m the worst mom” mode and thought up all the times I had not played with him over break or the extensive screen time we let him have. But, instead I decided I would take some action and we played a game of chess after dinner. He seemed to perk up then. I also made a real passive-aggressive comment to my husband about said-parenting, which now I realize I was just reflecting my feelings of my own parenting inadequacy on to him. It wasn’t fair.

Filter, Katy. Filter.

Travel + Staycations

I played with the dogs, went for a walk, made a vision board with my favorite gal pal, Maddie and got beat at chess by Miles. Pretty great day at home.

One of my best friends is a farmer’s wife.

Her farmer husband gets together with other farmer husbands to do God knows what on the first Friday of every month. We used to drink on these nights and chuckle about how adorable it is.

And, by used to, I mean last month.

Well, tonight was my own kind of first Friday. No wine with lunch or beer with my fish fry. And, guess what? I’m fine.

Health + Wellness

208.3

Yes, again. And, I’m totally cool with that. Today was much more about mind than body and way cooler than any number on a scale. Never did I think that on Day 4 I would be described as brave or an inspiration. At this point, all I’ve done is describe my lame days. But, in the midst of what I think is my biggest failure may just be my most cherished accomplishment.

Over the course of the last few years, and with more intensity in recent months, I have been in pursuit of my purpose on this earth. In just these few short days, I realize standing in my own truth may allow others to feel comfortable enough to admit a few things to themselves. Or maybe, they’ll just feel a whole lot better about their own lives ;).

Either way, it’s cool.

On a separate, more trivial note, my sister and I entered in to our next Apple Activity competition today. I have lost the last two weeks, but I am bound and determined to beat her this week. Stay tuned.

House + Home

Ha. It will still be there tomorrow. Maybe I should just ditch this category all together? I spent my fifteen minutes this morning, but that was about it.

Debt + Finances

This is sort of a bummer, or not, you choose. One of my goals after going through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University this fall, is to sell some of the crap we have littered all over our house, garage and shed to make a little moola.

Today, I did just that.

I met a nice guy who was more than thrilled to take an Ikea medicine cabinet that I have moved to and from three houses only to never use. I was more than happy to take his 50 bucks and slipped it in to my coat pocket.

Now, this next part is weird.

I took the kids to the gym to shoot some hoops and run some laps. Weird because on any other given Friday night I would have only been thinking of where my Brandy Old-Fashioned Sweet would be coming from or what wine I would drink with the dinner I was going to make. (And, let’s be real, it would have been boxed Pinot Grigio)

I digress.

I set mine and the kids’ coats, hats and mittens on the bench and played P-I-G, line tag and jogged laps. I work at this gym, so I didn’t think twice about our coats. I left them a few times to get a new basketball from the front desk, watch the kids play kickball and soccer. After an hour or so, we left.

I felt in my pocket, no 50 bucks. Shit.

My first and only thought was that it was stolen. I voiced my frustration in the car and the following conversation ensued:

• Me: Damn it. Someone stole the 50 bucks out of my pocket.

• Miles: How do you know it was stolen? Maybe you dropped it.

• Me: [Fuck.] Yes, Miles, I guess you’re right I could have dropped it. (Funny how we go to the darkest places first, ain’t it? So I flipped my switch.)

• Me: Yes, you’re right I totally could have dropped it. Or, if someone did take it, maybe they needed it more than we did. Maybe to feed their kids. I felt a whole lot better after that, although, I still wish I had my 50 bucks. I tried Mr. Ramsey.

Parenthood + Relationships

So, this is where shit got real today. If I didn’t think I had a reason to drink all day, the urge came when my 9-year-old walked in the front door after school. And, yes, this is the same child that just gave me a dose of positivity from above.

Holy hell that kid is gonna knock me off my wagon.

It’s the complaining about where we’re eating, why we’re eating, when we’re eating, why we’re getting our hair cut, why he can’t play kickball, why the basketball is flat, why our food is taking so long, why his Kiddie Cocktail (which, by the way, until very recently I thought it was Kitty Cocktail) doesn’t taste like the others he’s had.

Finally I had to pull out the “you’re-going-to-make-me-cry-with-your-attitude” card. And given a few more minutes of it, I might just have broken down right there and cried in to my fried cod. I’m just not sure it would’ve been because I was really upset or because I wanted an Old-Fashioned that bad.

Travel + Staycations

Part of my self-care goals are to check out from reality every day for at least a little bit; my own little “staycation”. Whether it be an episode of whatever I am watching on Netflix or walking with an audio book or taking a bath or going out to lunch, I have made it a priority.

Low and behold, I had time for ALL of those things today AND I busted my ass to get a laundry list of work tasks done. Yay me!

I’m adding an everyday epiphany here because I feel like I am going to have at least one a day. I want to go to yoga at seven in the morning tomorrow (Saturday). On any other given Friday night, I would say this very thing, but know that I would probably feel too shitty and hungover to get up. Today, I said it and for the first time in a. very. long. time. I have no doubt I’ll get up and go. And be so thankful I did. I already am.

It’s hard to describe how sweet my day actually was, boring as it may have been in some people’s eyes.

Health + Wellness

208.3 Again. Not going up. Win. And, I can almost guarantee you after a couple of beers and a fish fry last night I would have seen a gain.

How do I know? I have about 20 years of proof.

I forgot my stupid Apple Watch before I went to work again and as you might have seen yesterday, my sister and I are in another heated Activity competition. I see she even upped her active calorie burn to match mine. I had to get a move on this afternoon if I have a chance at all of beating her this week. It was 50 degrees here today. If you aren’t familiar with a Wisconsin January, this is as abnormal as it gets; putting us just one degree below a record high.

I laced up my sneaks and headed out for a walk. I just couldn’t stop. The sun was setting and it was so warm and peaceful and amazing. Had I had those two beers (read below), there’s no way I would have done that today.

How do I know? I still have two decades of proof.

House + Home

Ok, I promise myself I am going to Unfuck my house tomorrow. The cleaning ladies are coming Monday and I really need them to be able to actually clean.

Debt + Finances

Not a whole lot to report here today. I plan to do my budget and start on taxes (barf) tomorrow. I will say that my goal for January is to pay $1K toward our debt.

Parenthood + Relationships

I woke up with no headache and more energy. I went to work with a clear head and thoroughly enjoyed watching Miles in his first full-court basketball game. We went to lunch with dear friends where I drank way too much club soda (while everyone else drank beer) and again, I was totally fine, except I had to pee like 10 times throughout the day.

When Dale and I walked in to the Thirsty Goat, I did say out loud, “This will be interesting not ordering a beer with the rest of you.” Saturday lunch beers are my jam, but, then again they have also derailed the best of intentions for Saturday afternoon or evening plans more times than I can count. Five short days ago I DECIDED it would be different.

I took Maddie and her friend to Mary Poppins Returns and as I sat there watching the delight on their faces, I couldn’t help but be proud of myself. The movie was fantastic. (I so want to be Emily Blunt’s best friend.) I would have missed this a week ago.

As a matter of fact I did.

I chose to “cocktail” instead of take her and her friends to a movie. Not one of my proudest moments in hindsight. As I sit here writing this on my bed I can hear Maddie in the bathtub next door singing in her sweet voice, “This was the best day eveeeerrrr.” Parenting win.

Travel + Staycations

My little staycation came earlier this evening when I dropped a bath bomb my cousin made me for some “zen” during my 90 days. It was packed with red rose petals and the faint smell of lavender and could only be topped by the Matcha Green Tea polish she made. I am clean, relaxed and exfoliated.

And sober.

Happy Saturday night and even better Sunday morning to me.

I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction/Universe/Divine Intervention, what or whomever you like to call it. Last week, while on my period, I just gave up on everything. I couldn’t get the motivation to compete with my sister on any level or even get out for a walk. I was deflated, unmotivated and irritable.

But, it seemed, Mother Nature was a little “off” too. Most of December, where my only intention was to meet or exceed my 600 active calorie goal on my watch, the weather was close to perfect for a long walk every day. With the exception of a few chilly days, it was sunny, the roads were safe and there was little rain.

I noted this verbally to Dale a few times; like the Universe was making it easy for me to reach my goal. Then last week the weather changed to rainy, icy and then snowy making walking outside all but impossible. Yes, I work at a gym, so I most certainly could have gotten on a treadmill or walked the track, but I just didn’t.

I needed a break.

Then, since Tuesday, I have been able to get out every day and close all of my rings. Today, she delivered the most glorious spring day in January. Maybe Mother Nature just needed a break too.

We all do.

Honestly, I woke up at 5:45 this morning, had enough energy to get a ton of shit done and am still awake at 8:20 pm, even with a puking, feverish kiddo.

This is a miracle in and of itself.

Health + Wellness

208.3 Again. Not going up. Still a win. I refuse to freak out about this number right now. I can imagine my body is going through a little WTF right now, so I’m gonna give her a break.

I wish I would have gotten out for a walk or made it to yoga today, but it just wasn’t in the cards. I did, however, eat all three meals at home, made dinner from scratch and prepared healthy lunches for the entire week.

Not like me to do on a Sunday.

I’ve always wanted to, just never have. I will also mention that I am hardly hungry. I’ll spare you the rundown of my food intake today, but I can tell you that last Sunday I probably ate triple what I did today. I’m not even really trying, on purpose.

Remember, I’m doing things I’ve never done before so I’m concentrating on one thing at a time. In a few weeks, if I’m ready, I’ll start looking in to my diet and some strength training, but for now, I’m just aiming for Day 7.

House + Home

Holy shit did I unfuck this house today. (By the way, I have used this method for a couple years now. Totally works for someone like me.) Ok, well WE did. I approached my husband this morning with a little hesitation about employing his cleaning services for just two hours, but to my surprise, he enthusiastically agreed. I guess all I had to do was ask nicely…who knew?

In any case, he cleaned the disgusting office while I organized the desk and all the mail and a few junk cabinets. [Side note: the other day I was sitting in my kitchen with my bff and we got talking about junk drawers. I have no less than 16 junk cabinet/drawers in my kitchen.]

I did all the dishes, all the laundry, with the exception of the customary last load in the dryer that will never actually make it upstairs, cleaned out bathroom cabinets and drawers tossing about 2/3 of my make up, lotions and toothpastes. While I was bringing garbage bags downstairs I spotted Dale bringing in our mega garbage can; rolling it right in front of the toy closet.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

It was like angels sang from the heavens. He filled that sucker to the brim and poured it in to the dumpster. He was my hero today. I’ve been ignoring that mess for months.

This afternoon brought me a sick kiddo but while she slumbered away, I made Chicken Tortilla soup for dinner, Chicken Salad for lunches this week and Puppy Chow for the kids (and me). I don’t remember the last time I had enough energy to get all of this done without a nap stuck in there somewhere.

I probably can’t remember because it’s never happened.

Debt + Finances

The only thing I really did in this department today was to put all of my investments (that were shoved in to one of the said junk drawers) in to a folder, went through old remotely deposited checks where I found $100 that was never deposited (yay me), and organized all of my cash envelopes so I am ready to budget tomorrow.

Parenthood + Relationships

One thing I have noticed this week is that I am not yelling at my kids near as much. I came from a yelling family so it’s not really a surprise that I do it, but I don’t love that about myself. I remember how scared and anxious I used to get as a child and here I am following in those footsteps.

Now, let’s not get crazy. There’s no doubt that I will yell again, but for today I’m proud I’ve reduced it to a dull roar.

Travel + Staycations

The staycation came in the form of purging a bunch of shit we no longer wanted and definitely didn’t need. It’s amazing how much space it opens up; both in my home and my mind.

The epiphany today was that I made it through the weekend relatively unscathed. Some of you may be thinking, “wow, she thinks six days is a long time to go without alcohol, coffee or soda?”

You’re right. I do.

It isn’t that long in the big scheme of things, but in my case, it’s just the lifestyle I got accustomed to. Made a habit out of.

I’m proud of myself. I don’t say that to ask you to be proud of me too. I say it because I mean it. If my best friend were doing this I would tell her I was proud of her so why on earth is it so hard to say to myself? Logically, it makes no sense.

It’s about time we talk to ourselves a little nicer, with a little more compassion, a little more forgiveness and a lot less judgement. Is this not what we teach our children to do on the playground and in the lunchroom? I’m not sure I would have felt the same way a week ago.

What a dreary, icky, windy January day. No wonder so many of us give up on our healthy habits on days like these. I wonder if we shouldn’t move the New Year to July 1st so that we all have a fighting chance.

Health + Wellness

208.3

Same same. Again, another win. I will say this afternoon I found myself feeling a little lighter. I didn’t, however, DO a whole lot today. I still had a sick kiddo, that slept until 10:00 am by the way, and on a perfect day to snuggle, so we did.

I didn’t do it, but damn it did I want a fucking cup of coffee today.

House + Home

I took my 15 minutes this morning and cleaned out #14 of 16 junk cabinets as I knew I’d probably have most of the day to do the dumb daily stuff.

I also ACTUALLY finished all the laundry. I mean I literally washed, dried and put away ALL the laundry in the proper places today. I also matched all the socks. I know, I know. It’s crazy. Don’t get used to it.

Debt + Finances

And, again, I did not get to my budget today. Oops. Pretty soon I’ll have to pay enough attention to the reason WHY I’m not doing it because it’s been on my list since December 15th. Yikes.

Parenthood + Relationships

I will admit that I sort of love it when my kids are sick. Before you get all judgemental and gaspy on me, I don’t love that they are actually sick, I love that they sleep so sweetly and cuddle with me without any coaxing.

Alert: #momfail coming up

I was so enthralled with my sock sorting I totally forgot Miles had basketball practice so we had to run out like crazy people to get him there 15 minutes late. Thank God for friends that double as coaches. Makes me a little nervous that between both kids this winter we have 5 out of seven days of sports.

Bonus: I won’t be knee-deep in to a bottle of wine so I can drive them safely to and from practice. Yay me.

Travel + Staycations

Ya know how you sometimes you sit at your desk looking out the window on a rainy day wishing you could just lay in your flannel sheets and watch a movie? Well, that was my staycation today, albeit done with a computer on my lap designing a website, but still dreamy.

While today was a pretty normal, mundane day, it’s not lost on me that I am one week in to this thing. And to be quite honest, it really hasn’t been that difficult. I think the difference this time is that I made the decision and it’s pretty water tight.

I also am so grateful to have the means to share it as it gives me enormous accountability. Even if there is just one of you reading this, it’s been extremely helpful.

One of the mistakes I have personally made in the past was to try to tackle any “resolution” or goal by myself. I didn’t tell anyone that I:

• Wanted to lose weight

• Wanted to quit drinking

• Wanted to get out of debt

• Wanted to eat better

And so, therefore, I was alone in my struggle with no defense when I came upon a roadblock. I didn’t feel like explaining my reasons to every single person that chuckled when I said no thanks. I isolated myself thinking that if I could avoid the situations all together it would just be easier and I would finally succeed. It’s not sustainable.

I can tell you it never works. How do I know this? I have two decades of proof.

It was a long day.

Not in the sense that I hated it and just want to crawl in to bed, but rather that I have just been up a long time.

And I want to crawl in to bed.

I volunteered to take a 5:00-8:00am shift at my health club job on Tuesdays. For many others this probably sounds like torture, but I am an early riser so a 4:15am wake up call doesn’t really bother me. Plus, I can get SO much done in those three peaceful hours.

I’m tired, but I’m still up and it’s 6:56pm. Those of you that know me, that’s a major accomplishment for the 8th day in January.

Health + Wellness

208.6

I’m not going to lie, I was quite disappointed this morning with that number staring back at me.

My right brain was running in circles with her hair on fire asking, “WHY, WHY, WHY? Why have we not lost 20 lbs in 8 days? WHY? That’s it, we should quit. What’s the point?”

While my left brain was leaning back in her chair, smoke hanging out of her mouth like, “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ sister, calm the fuck down. It’s been only eight days.”

Welcome to my crazy. Jump in, the water’s warm.

I’m happy to report I (mostly) listened to my left brain today. I’m just going to keep pluggin’ along. It also helps that I have a pretty sweet app that tracks my weight “trend” rather than just straight numbers. I love that I trust an app on my phone more than hard science. When I say it out loud I sound like an idiot.

House + Home

My cleaning ladies came today. HALLELUJAH.

I know there are some of you out there that think having a cleaning lady is ridiculous, especially my mother.

But, sorry, I am not sorry.

I have many justifications for this but these are my main ones.

• I work hard. I want to spend my money on someone else to make my home a place me and my family want to be together. I have many hats and juggle many balls in the air most days and cleaning and tidying up is not one of them.

• I am providing a job for someone. This is important to me, not only because I love a clean house, but because I know where my money is going. I am more than happy to give up a few material things per month in order to pay someone I know personally.

• I suck at it. Isn’t one of the first rules of good business practice is to hire out the things you suck at so you can concentrate on the things you are good at? Why should my family be run any differently than a good business? In any case, these gals rock. They are local, professional and put up with the mess of me and my animals.

If you want a cleaning lady and think you can’t afford it, take a good look at the things you are affording. I had to cut some things out too. And, now that I’m not spending a bunch of money on wine, I can have them come twice a month.

If your reasonings are because your mother would roll her eyes, well, I deal with that too, but I can’t help you there. You’ll just have to figure out a way to not care.

Debt + Finances

I honestly didn’t have time to do my budget today. That’s not an excuse, I really didn’t have time. I will have time tomorrow, promise.

Parenthood + Relationships

Someone please help me. Fortnight. I just had a ten-minute, very emotional conversation with my nine-year-old son about this game. It started out as a very innocent suggestion (from him) that if he isn’t crabby in the morning for 30 days then we will let him play Fortnight. It then escalated in to a level five meltdown revealing the real reason: he’s feeling left out because all of his buddies are playing together and talking about it and he’s not.

Um, twist the knife in to my bleeding heart.

On one hand, I could totally give in, and I probably will because I don’t have the willpower to keep up with him; he’s relentless when he wants something (<chip off the old block). On the other, I hate to give in to the pressure of greener grass.

It’s a pickle. Check back with me on day 38.

Travel + Staycations

Part of my intention behind volunteering for the 5:00am shift is that I can go right to yoga after. It’s been too long since I have attended my favorite instructor’s class and today it felt like coming home.

As I lay there on my mat before class began, I thought about how the next 60 minutes were going to be all mine. My intention for the class (besides not looking at the clock) was to be grateful for every pose even if I didn’t look like how my warped mind thought it should.

I just wanted to enjoy the heat, my mat and my breath. A little hokey, I know but when it’s January and blowing 50 mph, you need to fake a vacation somehow.

Today’s epiphany is actually something I read out of her book, You’re a Bad Ass by Jen Sincero. How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life.

I have actually listened to this book about 10 times (which is a total of 90+ hours) since July. It’s great, you should read it.

In one of the chapters she talks about how giving something up is actually easier than doing it. She uses smoking as an example, but I’ll use wine as mine.

So, when I give up drinking for 90 days, I actually don’t have to DO anything. I don’t have to go to the store, find the money to pay for it, get out a glass, pour it, drink it, then wash the glass and put it away.

I don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night and fight getting back to sleep. I don’t have pop ibuprofen like candy. I don’t have to sweat like a hog through my pajamas. And, that’s just the physical part.

My mind always went bonkers the day after an indulgent evening.

I felt guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t say no even though it went against all of the goals I was trying to reach. I felt like a failure and worried that I might have said or done something I shouldn’t have.

This would go on for a couple of days (or more recently, just a mere 6-7 hours) until I would just numb it out all over again. That’s another whole story for another day.

The thing I know for sure is that I haven’t had any of these feelings for a week. The work I am putting in now is next to nothing compared to the energy I was spending on navigating the muddy waters of my mind surrounding this topic.

How’s that for a dose of reality?

Health + Wellness

208.3

This is so lame.

However, this is where I would usually say fuck it. Actually, it probably would have been yesterday. But, since I’ve made the decision to stick to this for 90 days, I have no other choice but to see what happens tomorrow.

And before you get their undies in a bundle, I KNOW this is going to take time.

I know it’s just a number.

I know I should pay attention to how my clothes fit instead.

I work at a health club. I am surrounded by personal trainers, nutritionists and all around healthy people all day long. I know all the research and all the facts and all the science behind losing weight. I have researched it for decades.

But, this is actually what it FEELS like to do it and that’s all I am writing about here. The daily ups and downs, not knowing if what you are doing is actually working. It’s frustrating. And annoying. And discouraging.

Unfortunately, the scale is the best measure, besides taking body measurements everyday and ain’t nobody got time for that.

{Allow me a digression: If you’ve been struggling, or have struggled with weight loss in the past, you know what I am talking about. If you have never had to struggle with your weight, self-confidence or self-worth, first, good for you.

Secondly, do me a favor? If you see someone at the gym or in a class that looks confused or lost, have a little compassion and help them out. It took the motivation of a freight train to get in the car, walk through that front door and try to navigate a spot in an uncomfortable place. I’m not asking you to do anything, just asking that you to think about it.}

And, I’m smart enough to know that on Day 38, this is going to seem so dumb.

As I was whining to myself in the shower this morning, my Apple watch dings with a text from my sister. (I know it’s ridiculous how much I rely on this stupid thing.) She showered (no pun intended) me with compliments, as she usually does and I probably don’t tell her I appreciate them enough, and then mentioned something about a Whoosh effect.

Well, of course, I had to search everything I could find on the subject. Pinterest had an awful lot to say on this very thing.

Interestingly, most of the sites that have articles on it are Keto diet focused and while I’m not on a Keto diet I poked around.

It seems almost all of them give credit to Lyle McDonald for explaining the effect in a simple way. I’ll summarize, but you can read the article I found of his here.

Basically, the theory is that after fat cells had been emptied of stored triglyceride, they would temporarily refill with water allowing for no immediate change in size, body weight or appearance. Then, after some time, specific to each person’s body type, the water would get dropped and the fat cells would shrink making the number on the scale go down and a noticeable change in body composition.

So, I guess I’ll wait. After all, patience is just waiting with a good attitude.

On a brighter note, I think I had the best night’s sleep in almost a decade last night.

House + Home

My house is still clean. My 15 minutes were spent just doing dishes and putting one, yes one, load in the dryer. That load is now folded AND put away.

Who knew laundry could be so satisfying when there isn’t 17 loads to do?

Debt + Finances

So, I got to it today.

I spread out everything I had been ignoring from the last two months, organized it, went to the bank and got my budget down on paper. Tomorrow is for putting it all together.

Parenthood + Relationships

Today was my mother-in-law’s birthday.

We spent a couple of hours out to dinner with family and it was lovely. It was basically my first real social event where everyone would have expected me to have a beer. I didn’t. No one asked. And it was seriously no big deal on many levels.

But it wasn’t about me.

My mother-in-law is the bomb. I write about her here at her retirement, but she’s the same, if not better than she was then.

Travel + Staycations

I laid on that beautiful yoga mat breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat against my bones, sweat dripping down my temples.

The instructor chose to play sounds from an ocean scene during savasana; waves crashing, sea gulls chirping, wind blowing. It took me to a place where sheer curtains blew gracefully inward while I leaned against a balcony overlooking the beach.

It was a lovely daydream. It was so real it was disappointing when I finally heard the instructor say namaste.

Namaste right here, thanks.

I can’t believe I am about to say this, mainly because I have believed the opposite for so very, very long, but not drinking is so much easier than drinking.

I definitely may come to regret those words in the next few weeks or months, but right now, that’s how I feel. For those of you that know me well, you’ll be surprised to hear this considering I have spent the better part of 20 years making drinking wine my part-time job.

But no one is more surprised than me.

I feel so good right now. I am doing things I only thought about and “wanted” to do forever. I am sleeping better, eating better, have more patience with everyone, accomplished more in the last week than I have in months and genuinely have a more optimistic view on what 2019 holds for me and my fam.

If you would have asked me a month ago I would have told you I was scared shitless of what the other side of 9 days would look like. One of my biggest fears is that I would be bored. Weird, I know. I’ll get in to some of my other fears around this again, but for today, I am just happy to be here.

On the other side of Day 9.

You jumped ahead to Day 38 didn’t you?