DOUBLE DIGITS.

That’s an accomplishment, eh?

Health + Wellness

208.3 Well, this is just funny.

But, alas, the opportunity for some perspective was presented to me while walking outside, in 19 degrees by the way, today.

If you haven’t gathered already, I have been ‘working’ on losing weight for quite some time.

Decades as a matter of fact.

I have more than a few daily planners with starting weights in them. In March, on another crusade, I started with the app Noom. Maybe you’ve seen it all over every social media outlet imaginable. Good marketing dollars spent this time of year for sure.

I actually loved it and it worked, for a while.

Since I started it up again this January, I was able to keep all of my historical data over 2018. While I was walking today, still annoyed with the number that was staring up at me from the scale this morning, I realized I had this data and I looked it up a few minutes ago.

233.0 on March 19th, 2018

Do you know how thrilled I would have been to see 208.3 on that scale then? Since March 2018 I have lost 24.7 lbs, only trying a little bit.

How’s that for a dose of perspective?

And, I bet there are people out there that only wish to be 233, just like I only wish to be X while someone who is already there is wishing to be x – 20 lbs, x – 50, and so on.

It’s all relative people.

How quickly we forget where we were and how far we’ve come. Progress is progress, no matter the time it takes. I’ll try to remember that tomorrow morning.

House + Home

Still clean if you can believe it. I am pumped to try a new Honey Mustard Chicken Salad recipe tonight. It’s the little things in life.

Update: I did make the salad and it was super good, however, I chose to use chicken thighs…DO NOT DO THIS. Stick with the safe, boneless, skinless chicken breasts. But the dressing/marinade is delicious.

Debt + Finances

The only thing I can say here is that I saved $13 on a $60 bill at the grocery store today. Plus, I didn’t buy wine so add $21 to the savings. Yay me.

Parenthood + Relationships

After I got off the scale this morning, I voiced my frustration to my husband. He, of course, assured me that I will see results soon and I’m doing a good job, bless his heart. (I probably don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate his support.)

I made him get on the scale to make sure it wasn’t broken. I was convinced it was going to give him 208.3 too.

It didn’t.

I also received just about the nicest email from a dear friend. She has showered me with these notes before more than motivating me to keep going. I cried as I read it. I am so grateful to her for taking the time and energy to write it out. She certainly didn’t have to do it and I know she’s got a plate full too.

You know who you are; thank you for the time you took out of your day to tell me things I so badly needed to be reminded of. xoxo. It’s so hard to see yourself the way others see you. If we can all just get out of our head for one freakin’ minute, we can do anything.

Travel + Staycations

Let’s move on from staycations for a while and talk about real travel. A few days ago, on that cold, blistery January day, I texted Dale that I wanted to go on vacation for our anniversary, just the two of us. Since then I’ve been searching and talking to friends about where we should go.

Some ideas have been Napa Valley, maybe a mountain lodge and of course, somewhere warm and beachy.

But, for the past few years I have wanted to go to Hawaii and, of course, it’s always been too expensive, too far, too long to be away from home, work, kids, animals, etc. But, here’s the thing, we have 10 months to save money, prepare for childcare and line up our ducks at work. And life is too short not to go.

I think it’s time to throw out these excuses too.

The epiphany for today has actually come and gone a few times over the last few years. I wrote a long article about it last fall and it holds truer today than it ever has.

It has to do with being ok with walking, not running.

It’s my baby brother’s birthday today. Thirty-six years ago that bouncing baby boy came in to this world, much to my older sister and my dismay, but, he has proven himself over the last three and half decades by making us laugh with his stories, antics and all-around jovial attitude.

The below video was taken one year ago just before my siblings and I boarded a cruise with my dad. It’s hilarious for many reasons.

But also a little sad for me. I wasn’t in a good place last year at this time. All the more reason to rejoice where I am now.

Health + Wellness

207.9. Pop the top people!

I mean you should for me. I won’t but I will however, add a little fresh lime to my club soda tonight; a special treat.

I enjoyed the loveliest yoga class at noon today. On any other given Friday at noon I could be found having a glass or two of wine at lunch. For sure.

Not today.

House + Home

I had to do a once over again today as we are having our monthly card club here tonight, which basically means I did the dishes and ran the Roomba.

I’m exhausted.

Debt + Finances

You know what another advantage to not drinking is? I don’t have to go on a beer run. I wasn’t even asked. I assume it was a nice gesture so I didn’t have to walk in to a liquor store and be tempted and I’ll take every bit of that.

And, I didn’t have to pay for it.

Funny enough though, I actually have no desire so I would have been happy to go. (I’m taking a chance he won’t read this so he won’t send me next time.)

I have taken sabbaticals from the bubbly before. This time feels so different, I think because I made the decision for a whole 90 days. Maybe I’ll feel differently on a different day.

Maybe not.

Parenthood + Relationships

It’s card club night…our turn to host.

For those of you not in the Midwest, or more locally Wisconsin, I’ll explain what our card club does.

There are about 8-10 couples in our group with about 6-8 attending on any given month. We meet the second Saturday of each month at someone’s house where the host provides the main dish and others bring a dish to pass. We eat, a lot, then sit down for some traveling Euchre.

The night usually ends with many beer cans and half drank Captain and Cokes strewn about the hostess’s sink. It’s fun and hilarious and a perfect excuse to over indulge.

Will in be a challenge for me tonight? Yes. As a matter of fact it’s 4:43 pm right now and I can guarantee that a few months ago I would be a couple of glasses of wine in to take the edge off hosting a social gathering.

Not today. And I’m totally okay with it.

Travel + Staycations

I day dreamed on my yoga mat today about Hawaii. Stay tuned for more research and decision making.

I ran in to a couple of gals today that I know on a surface, Facebook kind of level. They stopped me to tell me how much they loved my writing. It was hard for me to hear, as it has been when others have said it too.

I don’t love that. I wish accepting compliments came easy and didn’t make me feel squirmy. I have gotten better at merely saying, Thank You, but still it’s hard.

For everyone who has ever said anything to me about my talents, Thank You. It does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.

And, if we can, let’s all try to see ourselves as cool as other people see us.

Before I left for a walk today, I had to download a new audio book. I have been listening to the same 3-4 for the last few months, so I thought it was about time to shake things up.

Since I planned to walk about 6 miles, I needed something to hold my attention for almost two hours. I stumbled upon May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein, downloaded it and headed out the door.

I am super picky about the authors I listen to; it sort of makes or breaks the book for me. But, right off the bat, I liked her.

In just the first few chapters, she had me hooked on believing in miracles as just a switch in perception from fear to love. (The more self-help books I read the more I am accepting that the word love is just going to become part of my vocabulary and I am going to have to stop rolling my eyes at it.)

I started thinking about all the things I was afraid (and am no longer) of before I made the decision to quit drinking for 90 days.

• The judgement from my family, friends and people I don’t even care about.

• How my relationships might change

• How will I spend my time?

• How will I function in social situations?

• How will I cope with stress and my “feelings”?

This last one is a doozy. For a very long time I have used alcohol and/or food as a coping mechanism. It was so much easier to “check out” than to actually deal with the things I was struggling with. I couldn’t get myself to believe that things could actually be better than they were.

Little did I know then that the things I was struggling with were actually the things causing me the most stress and inner turmoil. And, all the things I was so afraid of were not real. How was I to know what could be on the other side of this massive change?

I had no faith, only fear.

Well, that, my friends is changing.

(Ironically, I wrote an article about exactly this about a year ago; Love or Fear. I had forgotten all about it.)

Body + Mind

209.4

So, I sort of knew this was coming today.

Like I said yesterday, we had card club last night. I slaved over stromboli for most of the afternoon only to have the freakin’ dogs swipe it off the counter and eat the whole f’n thing. Oh, man I was so pissed.

So, we had to order pizza. Plus, everyone brought a dish to pass, which judging by the spread, no one had started a diet at the turn of the new year. We had lots of laughs and played a ton of Euchre and I drank enough club soda with fresh lime from my Soda Stream to hydrate me for weeks.

I know my husband was moving just a little slower than normal this morning.

I was not and so grateful for that. Put one up in the W column for muah.

I want to mention here that I have had an unexplained dull headache on and off for the last three days. I’m not sure if I am getting sick or what. There really isn’t any explanation for it; possibly the caffeine withdrawal? But, still 12 days later? Since I haven’t had anything but plain water, herbal tea or club soda, pretty sure it’s not dehydration.

In any case, I think my body is still like, “what the fuck are you doing, man?”

House + Home

Another advantage to not drinking at card club was that I wasn’t so tired at the end of the night I actually cleaned up the whole kitchen (with the help of my bestie) and did all the dishes. This is very unlike the “old” me; I’d be the first one to shut the lights off and stumble up to bed.

It was like a present to myself to wake up to a clean kitchen. No stale beer smell or caked-on crusty dishes, no sticky cards or full garbage cans. Just a sparkly kitchen to drink my coffee in. Ahhh.

So much better.

Debt + Finances

Nothing to report here today.

Parenthood + Relationships

One of the things I was most nervous about was how people were going to react. I realize now there was really nothing to be nervous about.

Remember how I told you people don’t think about me as much as I think they do? It’s true. I’ve gotten a couple of questions, a couple of eye rolls, but all in all, nothing I couldn’t handle with a “yup”.

It also helps I have aired this out for all to read on the world wide web. Ha.

Yes, my social card isn’t as full these days, but interestingly enough, I’m totally okay with that. I have become much more content being with myself, which is new too.

Also, I realized that I was usuallly the one instigating a drinking sesh so it’s no surprise I don’t have people beating down my door. They never did before either.

Travel + Staycations

Good news! I read today that Southwest Airlines is going to start flying to Honolulu.

I think the Universe is telling me we should go to Hawaii.

I am so grateful for this life.

There’s no doubt some of these posts sound real whiny and like these are real problems; I know most of them are made up in my mind and that there are others dealing with much more than I ever will. But the truth is, I am thankful for everything I have, even the struggles.

This isn’t really about a number on the scale or how many days I can go with or without something. It’s about being thankful for where ever I’m at and believing that whatever I want will present itself with precision timing and perfect delivery.

It’s called faith. And I’m all in.

Today I sort of wanted to quit writing about this.

Partly because I am sick of hearing all of my woe is me (maybe you are too) and partly because this is for sure where I give up.

Two weeks? Yah, that’s my quitting cue.

I don’t see the results I expect, I get tired of keeping a positive attitude and I usually have already cheated more than once making me feel like a failure.

And, two weekends was too hard.

Except, this time is different. Even though I feel like quitting, I’m not going to. I have made it my part-time job to read and listen to as many self-help books as I can and almost all of them have in common one thing for achieving success; tenacity.

I am almost certain that the million times I have tried to achieve a goal…any goal…I quit right before it starts getting good. So, you’re stuck with me for the duration.

Body + Mind

209.4

I can’t express to you how good I am sleeping. It’s like a whole new life at night.

Last night I must have slept so hard I had a dream that my late father-in-law was able to come back from heaven for an hour long visit. It was so bizarre, yet so real.

I don’t remember the last time I slept hard enough to have a dream and remember all the tiny details later.

I got myself out for a walk today and went to yoga this evening. I am still shocked as shit every time I get up and actually do something active with little to no effort or negotiation.

The intention was always there, just rarely acted upon and man could I argue my way out of just about anything . It’s just started to become part of my day.

Weird I know.

House + Home

There’s been a lot of talk about Marie Kondo lately, even turning her last name in to a verb. “I’m Kondo’ing my closet today.” I must admit I watched a half an episode of her new series on Netflix but I couldn’t get in to it. The one I watched the wife was a total bitch to her husband because it was easier for him to get rid of clothes than it was for her.

Jesus H. Christ. I mean, I get it. I am a clutter bug too, but if you have TV cameras in your house and you (probably) begged this woman to come help you, follow her directions and shut up.

She probably did, but I didn’t watch long enough to find out.

In any case, I do have the bug to declutter too, and shockingly, I have actually done the things that have been on my list for over a year.

I organized (and chucked all my nasty) pots and pans and cutting board/cookie sheet cabinet. I finished and put away the two loads of laundry that I worked on over the week. Way better than saving 11 for tomorrow.

Debt + Finances

I finished my February budget today. Way ahead of schedule. But, more importantly, I called Chase and had them send me a new credit card with a new number.

This sounds weird, but hear me out.

I have had my Amazon card number memorized for years. This makes it VERY accessible and VERY dangerous. More than once I have laid in bed after a bottle of wine and ordered something from Facebook ONLY because I could punch my number in with little to no effort.

You don’t want to know how many cowel neck sweatshirts from China I have, which if you can also admit you have done this, then you know the extra-large on Facebook is actually a child’s medium. Hence why they’ve been hanging in my closet. I can hardly get my eyelashes through the neck hole.

So, now if I want something I’ll have to get out of bed to find my credit card. Oh, the ways we trick ourselves. Whatever works right?

Parenthood + Relationships

Remember when I asked for some advice about Fortnight? Well, Dale and I told Miles that he would have to get 100 points in order to download it. We get to chose the points per chore.

Best. Idea. Ever. That kid will do anything we say.

Travel + Staycations

My staycation today was actually cooking. I made more chicken salad, homemade key lime Lara bars and tuna casserole.

I’m ready for the week!

Gratitude time. This time though, it’s for my body.

If I could write out the nasty things I have said to my body, we would all be crying. Guessing I’m not alone here either.

But here’s what I remembered today.

Our bodies are not separate from us. We can’t blame them for not cooperating or playing along if we are constantly putting them to shame. I have been guilty of this for a very long time. Luckily, it’s easy to turn it around. With gratitude.

So, here goes:

• My legs work. I could walk to California if I wanted to.

• I breathe. The more yoga I do the more I notice my breath on a daily basis. It’s amazing what just a deep breath can do to calm my nerves.

• I see sunrises, hear the birds chirping and smell the roses. I can pick up my sleeping daughter and put her in to her own bed. (Damn those kids are like a sack of cement when they sleep.)

• I can do a yogi squat to pee in the woods on a six mile walk. (Yes, I just had to do it yesterday, nature called. I was so proud I could squat low enough I didn’t pee on my ankles.)

• I can receive a hug and more importantly, give one.

• This body carried past term and birthed two beautiful, miraculous humans in to this world.

Our bodies do amazing things every single day that we take for granted. And, clearly none of these things depend on whether my thighs rub together or not. One of my favorite quotes of all time is: “When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to remember this…I have a hand-painted sign hanging in my foyer with this exact quote on it.

Two weeks used to seem like forever, but now that I’m here, it’s really no big deal. The time does pass anyway.

I saw this quote today when I was looking for inspiration. It seems to have found me instead. I can agree with the first sentence, the rest we’ll have to see, but it feels like something just shifted today. I can’t really describe it, but it felt really good.

Body + Mind

Ah, my old friend. Welcome back…208.3

I felt like I could have conquered the world today. It was like the yoga instructor and I were on the same wavelength; everything she offered was exactly what my body needed.

I had a ton of energy when I got home (after waking up super tired) and banged out three hours of uninterrupted work time followed by a walk (it was impossible to turn down that face) with one of my (four) best furry friends, pictured below and then back to more work.

And…drum roll please…I loved every minute of it. I know…someone should check my temperature. The other three dogs were not happy I took Greta, but I decided that I’ll take one at a time for the next few weeks. Like children, they like one-on-one time too.

On a separate note, I am still waking up super tired even though I am sleeping magnificently. I’ll be curious to see if this changes in the coming weeks/months.

House + Home

All the laundry and dishes are done. I went through one closet and donated another bag of clothes and linens and put a few more items up for sale.

I recently had the chance to watch The Minimalists documentary on Netflix. If you are currently in the stages of chucking everything out and wishing you lived in a tiny house with no stuff like I am, this is a super great watch.

Debt + Finances

It’s my intention to pay more attention to what goes out, but more importantly, what money is coming in. One of my self-help junkie books suggested I write everything down that is coming in as income.

All of it.

Interestingly enough, every financial article, blog post and book I have ever read has me focusing on my expenses, not necessarily my income. Yes, I get the logic, however, this concept focuses on lack, not abundance. So, I’m going to try this for a few days and see what happens. Stay tuned. Maybe I’ll manifest the $50K I’ve been looking for.

Parenthood + Relationships

Not too long ago, I read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I also “suggested” (not so gently) that my husband read it too.

Game changer is all I can say.

If you are in a relationship, and we all are; parent/children, friendships, marriages, siblings, adult children, etc, you need to read this book. I am not getting paid to say this.

This thin, easy-read paperback book played a hand in saving my marriage. I digress. That’s a story for another day. The point of this shameless plug for Cooper has to do with what I did tonight. One of the ways my husband receives love (he’s not going to like that I am saying this) is to have help with things he hates doing, even if I hate it too.

But, I love him so there I was for three hours tonight painting the inside of our newly remodeled shed by his side. I possibly hate painting more than I hate cleaning out the litter box, but I shut my mouth and rolled.

He was grateful, which made me feel good, which then made him feel good. It was like a good old volley of gratitude. And, it wasn’t lost on me that a month or so ago I would have never offered to help; love language or not.

I would have been way too “busy” (read: drinking wine in the dining room scrolling Facebook.)

The things we do for love.

Travel + Staycations

We plan to take the kiddos down to Chicago this weekend to either the Shedd Aquarium or the Field Museum. Ask me when the last time I stepped foot in a museum was.

I got nothin’ today. I am sure if I thought it about it long enough I could come up with something, but I have to get up at 4:15 am for work tomorrow so I’m out. Check back on Day 15…I’m sure I’ll have something very interesting to say. Ha ha.

Warning: Be careful if you’re feeling good.

I literally received an email today from OYNB with this as the subject line. Sounds crazy I know, but you’ll see why this is so true.

Body + Mind

206.1

I woke up at 4:15 this morning and I wasn’t tired, stepped on that scale to a pleasant surprise, had no ice on my car after a predicted ice storm, worked peacefully for three hours with very little interruption, attended a vigorous, but extremely enjoyable yoga class, walked dog #2, ate a healthy lunch, attended a productive work meeting, meditated and played with the kids

Now, I realize this isn’t the most exciting thing you’ve read all day and I can see how following along with my “I ate this” and “I did that” can get super boring but I am getting to a point.

This is about the time I think ‘I got this thing licked.’ You know what I’m talking about? Now that all the toxins from the booze, caffeine and sugar have left my body I forget about how shitty I felt. At this point, just when I am starting to see progress, I would sabotage.

It would start with an innocent glass of wine but then followed by a string cheese (or 2), or maybe a big bowl of Pirate’s Booty, or more likely, right out of the bag. Then I’d stay up later than I should, pouring more wine and bawling to This Is Us, promising myself that I wouldn’t feel bad about this reward in the morning.

Wednesday would roll around; the promise I made broken. Which, in turn, equals complete and utter failure, so all goals and intentions out the window until the next time I’d try.

This is real. That scenario has played out more times than I’d like to count but I’d put the number somewhere in the 40s…twice a year for 20+ years? That sounds about right. At more than one point, I just stopped caring at all, which is when shit got really scary.

The truth is I do feel really good. I don’t know if the Universe was like, “Fine, we’ll throw out some crumbs for her,” or it’s really true what they say about two weeks.

I don’t really care. I know I feel good, I saw some great results, my head is clearing and I took the first really good crap in 10 days.

Plus, it’s Taco Tuesday, so it was bound to be a good day.

House + Home

I put more items up for sale today and met a super sweet woman that bought a pair of toddler hockey skates. Clearly time to let those go.

Debt + Finances

Ok, this is where it gets good today.

Remember yesterday when I said I was going to start tracking what money comes in, no matter where it comes from? (By the way, I got this idea from Get Rich, Lucky Bitch by Denise Duffield-Thomas)

You are not going to believe this shit. I wrote it all down because I could hardly believe it myself.

• $442.20 – a reimbursement check I forgot I shoved in my coat

• $10 – sold hockey skates

• $100 – found in my personal Pay Pal account I never look at

• $.01 – found in the self-checkout at the grocery store

For realz. This shit works.

Parenthood + Relationships

I understand there is a common feeling out there that self-care, especially for women, is perceived as selfish. I personally don’t feel this way, although I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of myself, but I hear it from my friends all the time.

In the two weeks since I have started putting myself at the top of my to-do list, everyone around me has benefited. My husband is more at ease, my kids have been more pleasant, probably because I’m not screaming at them. I have crossed paths with a few of my favorite people that I didn’t even know I was missing them until I started seeing them again regularly.

Of course, I’m missing some friends I haven’t seen in a couple weeks, but everyone has shit going on this time of year and everything is not all about me, all the time.

Shocking, I know.

Travel + Staycations

If you love the cold, wind and freezing rain, you would have loved the walk I took today. I don’t know why I didn’t stop at the end of the driveway and say fuck this, but I didn’t.

And, I’m kicking my sisters ass in our Apple competition this week. A perfect staycation.

Just make it to two weeks. It was like a switch flipped this morning. That’s it for today.

The following is going to address time. It seems to be the biggest argument for not following through on a healthy goal, and for 20+ years it was my numero uno excuse.

My plate has not been any less full in the last 16 days than it was the 16 days before that. Possibly the fullest it’s been in a long time; I drive two kids to sports 4 days a week, a large project with a looming deadline of February 1st tacked on to my already hectic work to-do list, seed ordering and planning for my glorified hobby/side job, a remodel on our shed that my husband has been devoting all of his time to, a house to be cleaned, laundry to be done, kids, dogs and cats to be fed and watered and the daily writing of this blog.

From the deepest part of my soul I don’t tell you all of that to brag that I’m busier than you or anyone else. I loathe when you ask someone how they’re doing and they’re like, “Fine. Busy, but fine.”

When did being busy become the new black?

I digress.

In the last 16 days I have been able to attend a yoga class 8 times and have walked at least two and half and at the most 5.72 miles 14 times. I have gotten more done around my house than I have in years (no joke,) prepped meals and snacks, made dinner at home 12 out of the 16 evenings, cleaned out junk cabinets and drawers and slept an average of 9 hours every night (which is per the usual for me). It’s sort of unbelievable when I type it all out.

I was the best at convincing myself I didn’t have time to work out or prep meals or blah, blah, blah. I probably could have won an award I was so good at it. And now I know why.

I just hadn’t made the decision.

I filled my time with Facebook, some serious internet surfing and naps. I’d go to lunch with friends or find any excuse to get out of my house in the evenings. It was easy and fun, until the next day when the cycle would start all over again with the same long to-do list. It was like Groundhog Day every day.

One of my biggest fears was boredom when I gave up alcohol. Um, not so much.

Body + Mind

206.1

My mind today was on forgiveness.

I told you that I have been listening to some self-help hippie chick shit lately and all of them seem to have this one marching order in common; FORGIVE.

So, I did my homework. I wrote down everything and everyone I think of to forgive, including myself.

Apparently there’s supposed to be some magic that comes out of that. I’ll report it when it presents itself. And, this probably won’t be the last time you’ll hear about forgiveness from me.

House + Home

I started to dip in my laundry duty today, so I had to catch up. It was only two loads so not so bad.

I think I told you that Dale and I went through all of our pots and pans and donated or chucked the ones that we don’t use or were too disgusting to use. We bought some of those As Seen on TV Copper pans…THEY’RE THE BOMB! This blog is too small to be making any money on advertising, so I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. They don’t stick, cook evenly and wash up beautifully. I flipped three fried eggs in them this morning…pretty fancy.

Debt + Finances

This is fun with a capital F.

When I woke up this morning I had a message on Facebook Marketplace that someone wanted my external CD drive and an Apple mouse. WTF? I put it up expecting nothing, I just found it in the cupboard yesterday when I was looking for Chapstick.

Twenty bones.

Parenthood + Relationships

I actually have hardly seen my family today. It’s about 6:45p and we haven’t even eaten dinner yet. Basketball, friend’s house, yoga, etc.

I do have a date night of The Office watching later though.

Travel + Staycations

Again, my staycation came in the form of savasana at yoga tonight. After I got a good sweat on, a beach/ocean track came over the speakers topped off with a cold, wet towel drenched in essential oils from our BOMB instructor.

The first time I attended one of her classes as this was the treat at the end I told her it was like winning the lottery. Because it was.

Now she gives me two towels. Love you Annie.

If you want something, you have to ACT as if you already have it.

Not that long ago, I thought I had tried everything to lose weight. Every attempt and failure solidified my conclusion that I “just can’t lose weight.” I would give “everything” I had for two weeks and then see very little to no result and quit.

I realize now I had not tried everything. I mean, I tried all the shit that promised quick, easy weight loss; the “10 Days to a Flatter Stomach,” “Lose 10 lbs by doing these seven exercises,” etc, etc. The fad diets were even worse. The Whole 30 turned in to a Whole Lotta’ Nothing, that lemon, cayenne pepper thing, no sugar, no bread, no red meat, no life.

Among other things, the simple beginning to a simple sentence changed my tune recently.

“Act as if you already are [insert goal weight or size or feeling].” You’re going to have to do what that person does and, this is the kicker, do NOT do the things they don’t do.

So, if I am already thin and strong and healthy, I bet I:

• find the time to work out every day.

• plan my meals ahead of time so I don’t get caught in the middle of the day starving, with only sandwich, noodle and burrito shops around.

• shop for clothes more and spend a little more time on my appearance

• I put myself on the top of every to-do list I make.

• don’t want to get up and go to class on a cold, winter morning, but I do it anyway.

• still feel uncomfortable in the weight room or yoga class or walking on the street, but I have realized that discomfort is the only way to find comfort.

• have discovered by now that the same insecurities and issues I have will stay with me until I deal with them, no matter what size I am.

• make self-care is my top priority.

• forgive myself for setbacks and get right back on that horse.

• don’t quit right before it gets good.

• allow for free days, special occasion treats and rest days.

• don’t drink alcohol every night.

• don’t follow fad diets or crazy workout plans. I stick to what I like and things that are sustainable.

• have patience in my goals because the time will pass anyway.

• know that I am the same exact person I was before.

I stuck a little Post-It note on my mirror that says Act as if… to remind me to make choices based on a belief that I already am everything I want to be.

Because, in truth, we are everything we need to be right now. Not in one day, one month or 100 lbs from now.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Body + Mind

205.0

I’ve been talking about my mind a lot lately so I thought I’d go in to some of the changes I have felt in my physical bod.

I have bunions.

(I swear to God and all things holy I am going to come up with a better diagnostic name than that. I am not sure what it makes me feel like; old, decrepit, gross or what, but it makes me shutter.)

In any case, I had surgery on my left foot about 10 months after Miles was born (almost 10 years ago) and certainly need my right foot done. I even went so far as to meet with a podiatrist at the end of the fall last year.

There’s really never a convenient time for it and I was dreading it, mostly because the last two surgeries I’ve had have me barfing in someone’s car or driveway on the way home.

They are painful, annoying and lame. It’s difficult to bend my toes and walking hurt and don’t even get me started on finding shoes that don’t rub them.

However, in the back of my mind I have always thought if I could take off some of the weight my feet carry around, maybe they wouldn’t be so bad. And, sure enough, since I started walking regularly and practicing yoga, the pain has all but gone away.

If you talk to any podiatrist they’ll tell you there’s no cure or reversal and I am sure at one point I will have to have surgery, however, in this case it’s gotten better recently.

I’m going to take that as a win.

House + Home

We are getting so close to having our shed remodel finished, in which case, I think I’ll get my husband back; I mean until the next project comes along.

I am still cleaning out closets, drawers and cabinets, just a little at a time. This technique is a far cry from my normal “I’ve had it up to here” attempts which include throwing everything out of the cabinet, yelling at everyone to come get their shit and throwing things away I’ll need next week.

It’s a small win.

Debt + Finances

Taxes. Death and taxes. Ugh.

Every year about this time I start freaking out about taxes. Both Dale and I have our own side businesses so our taxes are a little more complicated than just uploading our W-2s to Turbo Tax.

The forms are starting to arrive in the mail which heightens my awareness that we have a deadline to get our shit to our accountant. This year I vow to find the positive side and be thankful that when we have to pay in it’s because we make enough money to pay in.

Wish me luck.

Parenthood + Relationships

Miles has been complaining of a stomach ache for a few days right when he gets home from school and right before he goes to bed, sometimes with tears.

I try not to go to the dark side, but it’s making me feel like something is going on. I’m nervous I have missed these cues for a long time because I was so wrapped up in my own shit. I am not proud of this but the only thing I can do now is pay more attention and try to get to the bottom of it.

Travel + Staycations

Man, it’s real brown, cold and crappy here. Sounds like we might get some snow this weekend which will allow us to get outside and do something.
If we get some snow, my staycation will come in the form of watching my snow-loving dogs romp around.

I honestly didn’t know that I would get here.

I have now been through two full sober weekends with another one looming. I had this creepy feeling this whole week that whatever I did that was positive would be sabotaged by the weekend.

As I have mentioned before, many times, I have quit by now. And, most recently, I wouldn’t have made it to the first thirty Thursday. I am in unchartered territory so I have to find a new course. It’s scary. Which made me super irritable tonight. I’m super nervous I am going to have a momentary lapse of concentration and everything will go to hell in a hand basket in a matter of seconds. It’s a regular old three ring circus up in this head of mine.

Fun times.

Body + Mind

205.7

I was explaining to a co-worker today how bizarre I feel at this point.

Everything I say I am going to do, I just do…without much thought, which is probably why I’m so nervous. I signed up for today’s noon yoga class last Wednesday night. I woke up this morning, put on my yoga clothes under my work clothes (read: yoga pants + tank top + hoodie = work clothes) and made sure I had a water bottle. I didn’t even think twice about not going even though I left work to run an errand and then came back.

A month ago I would have definitely put my yoga pants on but not with the intention to use them for yoga and I definitely would have texted my Friday lunch buddy to meet me somewhere that serves wine without judgement. In which case, I would have not gone to yoga nor taken a walk with the dog this afternoon.

It would have turned in to an all afternoon affair ending at the fish fry with beer and overeating. How do I know for sure? I have 20 years of proof.

I have had ample opportunity to ditch walks and classes this week; it’s been cold, freezing rainy, snowy and brown and I had to juggle my family schedule more than once to attend yoga classes.

It’s so out of the ordinary for me I just can’t get a handle on it. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day where I shrug my shoulders, open the spigot and check out with a box of wine.

I think this is where people say the rubber meets the road.

House + Home

I’m really getting in to this decluttering thing. Yesterday I was walking by a piece of decor I have hanging on the wall that has never been used. I took it off the wall, matched it will a couple of other galvanized items in the cabinet, threw it up on FB and sold them in a few minutes.

$25. Boom. Continued…

Debt + Finances

…continued. So I meet this girl in the parking lot to bring her the metal shit. She’s sweet as pie, throws me $40 and says she doesn’t have anything smaller. At first I was like, “Omg, no way, that’s too much.” And, then, just for a split second I think, dammit, she did this on purpose so she’d only have to pay $20. (My cynical side doesn’t come out very often, but sometimes in fleeting moments.)

So, I throw the $20 bill in her trunk and say $20 is totally fine (and I meant it.) She picks it up, hands it back to me and says, “no, you drove all the way from Cross Plains, please keep it.”

I finally agreed telling her I’d pay it forward, which I will. She said she liked to hear that and we parted both a little lighter I think.

The Universe just keeps throwing these crazy, positive things in my face.

And I got to write down another $40 in my “money coming in” journal.

Parenthood + Relationships

How many of you love your hair stylist? I do too.

Our story goes back to my days as a hair whore where I just bounced around from stylist to stylist. My mom was a hairdresser for years so I took full advantage of the free bleach jobs, trims and hair product from the beauty supply house that my siblings and I conveniently never paid her for.

My hair cutter lady (ha) is a new mom navigating all the ups, downs and all arounds that go with having a career, shuffling babies, diaper bags and breast pumps and all-in-all keeping everyone alive and their shit together. And, of course doing it with style and killer hair.

And while I admire and love her for the above qualities, what I love most about her is the level of comfort I feel when I am in her chair. We have shared some pretty heavy shit with each other over the years and I genuinely look forward to chatting with her and spilling all my beans and also hearing about where her beans are at.

We can fill a couple hours catching up on the three previous months, plus all the deep gunk from our younger years. It might be an expensive hair cut and color, but it’s super cheap therapy. She’s my cheerleader, confidant and gives a bomb head massage.

It’s probably why I make her chop off all my hair just to grow it back out again so I have an excuse to see her. Love you M.

Travel + Staycations

It’s snowing here tonight. We had plans with friends but we all decided to hunker down rather than take a chance on the roads. It should be beautiful tomorrow morning.

OMG!!! I almost forgot! I beat my sister in our Apple Activity challenge this week! Finally! I was 0-3. Our wager was the first person to win four in a row receives a gift certificate for an hour long massage from the loser. Phew.

1-3. I need to win the next three in a row. Mama needs a free massage.

I am taking a little different approach rather than chopping this up in to categories.

Today is about the “why” of this journey. And, if you haven’t discovered already, this is about way more than just drinking for me. I knew in my heart of hearts that this one habit was at the top of the hill. And we all know which direction shit slides.

The following list of wishes and whys were written on February 5, 2018. I have been shuffling them from paper pile to paper pile all this time, but never threw them away. I must have known at some point that I would need to reference them.

The original list was written solely for the weight loss goal I had set for myself. [Note the date. I had very obviously given up on my resolution early in the game to then reset it in mid-February.] However, since I am convinced that my alcohol consumption directly affected my weight and ultimately my poor self-image, all of these apply to my current sitch.

So, here they are, written exactly as I wrote them out last February:

Be able to:

• Put my hands on my hips

• Cross my legs

• Lay down on the a flat surface comfortably

• Tie my shoes easily

• Have more energy

• Inspire someone

• Wake up feeling good and well rested

• Fit in to all my clothes

• Write my own success story

• *Not feel like I am stuffing sausage in to a casing every time I get dressed.

• *Be more present for my kids and Dale

These are new but should have been on there last year.

Things I need to do:

• Make my bed

• Plan my days

• Change my sitting habit

• Remember all the why’s

• Prepare at least 3 meals per week

• Start drinking tea in stead of coffee

• Cut out sugary drinks

• Walk/run at least 30 minutes per day (could be broken up)

• Practice self care by treating myself like my own best friend

• Cut down on drinking alcohol so I can be more present

• Plan my meals and pay attention to what I am putting in my mouth

• Eat or drink 400 calories less per day

• Burn 600 calories per day in exercise

My why list from 2018.

Since honesty is my jam these days, a few days after my 40th birthday last October, I barely got out of bed. Even after an amazing surprise party thrown my my closest friends and hubs, I was so depressed I could hardly function. For sure I was hungover for a couple of those days, but this was much heavier.

I had wasted the last twenty years of my life in a cycle of shame and guilt surrounding drinking, eating habits and a terrible self confidence and body image. Of course I had fleeting moments of happiness, bliss and gratitude in all those years, but the majority of my breaths were plagued with shame.

I know this sounds sad and maybe surprising (and I did end up calling my doctor to get help) to some of you since I can put on a pretty good show, but the reason I am sharing is because I want to remember where I’ve been so I can appreciate where I’m at. And, if there’s someone out there suffering like I did, maybe my story will help.

In these 18 short days I have realized that everything I was so scared of was just sitting there waiting for me on the other side of my decision. I don’t feel bad about that, I’m just thankful I didn’t wait any longer.

I also want to recognize that the first part of that list may sound very simple to some people, and possibly things that some take for granted. If you would have showed me that list at 20 years old I would have rolled my eyes and said, “That will never happen to me.”

The second part of this list is literally my task list every day and if you’ve been following along, you’d know that.

It’s completely crazy on so many levels that I saved that list all these months. Those of you that know me well know that I don’t keep an organized house and paperwork is my nemesis. Most of it ends up in the circular file whether I need it or not. I promise I found this list on Wednesday, January 16th, 2019.

The Universe must have really wanted me to have it.