202.8

I went to bed fine and woke up with a whopper of a cold. So annoying. I have been feeling so good it’s hard to accept there’s nothing I can do about this.

So, to be honest, I just don’t have much today. I spent most of the day in bed, working and resting (not in that particular order).

My mother-in-law did save the day by taking the kids and my nieces on a Grandma day. She’s the best.

So, this is all I got today.

However, you know what tomorrow is right? The 1st of the month and you know how I love me some new beginnings!

So, here’s my challenge for February. For the 28 days of February, I am going to have greens with every major meal. Think greens under eggs, side salads and every other creative greens Pinterest can think of. If you have favorite recipes, post them in the comments below.

I’ll post how creative I get on social with #greenseggsandham. Post yours too!

Do you remember the Beastie Boys song, Sabotage? Well I do. And sometimes I think it might be my life theme song.

I just looked up the lyrics to see if I could relate to any of them…ah, no. When they’re typed out all organized they make no sense at all. I prefer the screaming in to the mic version.

I’ll explain why below.

Body + Mind

203.9

That’s some major progress right there. If we take those pesky decimals out, I am down 10 lbs in 29 days.

It was cause for celebration at 4:15 this morning (Tuesdays are my early days). I made myself a fried egg over greens and packed a healthy snack of snap peas, carrots and hummus. I felt like I floated through the rest of my morning; I was totally in a zone at yoga, doing all of the vinyasas (flows) when just two days ago I didn’t think I would ever get to my up dog, came home to eat a super healthy, prepared lunch of more greens with sausage, showered and went to a meeting. All was right in the world.

Until it wasn’t.

It’s supposed to be freezing here…not like the kids can play outside for a few minutes to get out of my hair cold, like all of Wisconsin is shutting down. Some bars are even closing. In all my 40 years in Wisconsin, no bars have ever closed for weather. If anything there’s an uptick in business.

So, of course, along with everyone and their brother, I went to the grocery store. I called Dale on my way there and told him even though we had a ton of shit from Costco, I felt like I needed to pick up a few snacks. He thought the kids had plenty…I said I was more concerned about me.

Well, here’s where shit gets real. I bought a bunch of crap I would NEVER normally buy; waffle cones, ice cream, white cheddar popcorn and, wait for it…two Toblerone chocolate bars.

I usually stick pretty close to the perimeter of the grocery store but today I found myself right down the gullet. I sort of chalked it up to PMS but after I pounded the first chocolate bar in my car on the way home I knew it had to be something different.

I played games with myself the whole way. I put on my mittens thinking that if I had to take them off I’d think twice. I put the half-eaten bar in the bag of Lush bath bombs a dear friend gave me as an ‘Atta Girl gift (Thanks Barb!) thinking that I would finish the other half when I was soaking in the tub later and if they were in the bag I’d think twice. I lost this game.

The only thing I thunk twice about was eating that fucking bar. All of it. And I totally did.

Do I feel bad about this? Not really. I’m actually quite thankful. Months ago when this exact thing happened (more than many times) I would never think of it as self-sabotage. The box of wine I would have most DEFINITELY bought myself just would have been the sabotage vehicle of choice instead.

Consumed by the guilt and shame of “failing” I wouldn’t have seen this for what it really is: a pattern of success followed by sub-conscience actions to undo it. I have never been great at getting back on that horse. It feels different this time ’round.

I recognized it, made myself accountable for it, and have forgiven myself. And, now that I know better, I can do better.

And, let’s not get crazy here, I know it’s just a friggin’ candy bar, but in my case, it could have been so much more if I wasn’t careful.

I’m not even thinking about that other bar in the fridge.

Well, now I am.

House + Home

I have a sink full of dirty dishes right now as I sit on my bed surrounded by four dogs. School has been called off again for tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to finish those up.

Let’s see what we can unclutter and sell tomorrow.

Mwah, ha, ha, ha.

Debt + Finances

Part II of financial declutter scheduled for tomorrow.

Parenthood + Relationships

I think I’ll spend most of my night researching, “How not to kill your kids on a snow day.”

Well, this morning didn’t start off on a great foot. Just one of those days I guess.

Body + Mind

202.8

Being woken up at 4:30am to a husband thinking it’s Tuesday and an annoying sinus headache was the not the highlight of my week. I haven’t been sick in months and I considered calling in sick to work this morning, but once I got up and moving around I felt better. Even with a cold, I’m pretty sure I feel better today than I would have 30+ days ago.

I finally got back to yoga today after a little hiatus because of the weather. I have to admit I was a little nervous that I would just come home and crawl in to bed after work instead of hang around to wait for class. That’s sort of my M.O. (Which, by the way, I have used that phrase for YEARS without knowing it’s origin. So, in case you’ve never known either; modus operandi from the Latin language meaning method of operation), already being at the gym and then deciding I just don’t have time or the energy or just don’t want to.

I sniffled all the way through class, but the hot studio felt divine and I got much more out of it today than I expected.

House + Home

I forced myself to run my 15 minutes of chores this morning. I really didn’t want to, but I did the dishes, threw in a load of laundry, ran the Roomba and spent about 25 minutes with my planner.

With three snow days this week we got a lot of shit cleaned out of this house, but there’s plenty still to do. The junk drawers are still calling my name.

Hydration + Nourishment

I decided to add this category in place of finances for February. I took on a 28 day challenge for myself to eat greens with every major meal. Success for all three meals on Day 1.

Pizza over greens totally counted for lunch.

Parenthood + Relationships

It was tough getting back in to the swing of things this morning…for everyone. We had some yelling, some tears and some very curt goodbyes. I wasn’t proud of my behavior and I texted my husband to tell him so.

Of course I expected way more back then what I got, but I need to remember that when speaking my truth, it has be be enough to let it go, not the response.

203.5

Want to know what I did today? Nothing. And I don’t feel good about it.

When I was a kid, if you laid on the couch for more than a hot minute you were lazy. Every minute of the day you needed to be “doing” something productive. Taking a day to lay around and nurse a cold was not an option.

Fast forward to today where, after Miles’ basketball game and with a pounding sinus headache, I crawled in to my unmade bed. With kids with Dad or neighbors, I intended to take a quick nap and then be “productive.”

Instead, and here’s where the truth part comes in, I laid there all day. I watched too many episodes of Billions, only taking a break to eat left over pizza (over greens), a waffle cone of mint chocolate chip ice cream, five bags of (snack sized) goldfish and to let the dogs out of their kennels.

I was feeling sorry for myself because I feel like my social life is less than existent, I’m in between being bored and really busy and the weather sucks. Talk about popping the top for my very own pity party.

I am sure there’s some psychotherapy in all of this; rebelling by laying in bed therefore feeling terrible and eating all my feelings. And, clearly this isn’t the first time this has happened.

And if I were listening to someone else say this exact thing, I’d say, without a doubt, “Jeez. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone deserves a day to just lay around.” And, I would totally mean it.

So, rather than doing what I always do; self-loathe, beat myself up and fail, I am going to stay the course. I am going to wake up tomorrow to a brand new day. I’m going to give myself a break like we all deserve every once in a while without feeling like we are the laziest people on earth

The moral of this story is we all have our days. Sometimes more than one in a row. The point is putting these things in perspective. All of the things I “should” have been doing will be there tomorrow, and the next day. No one got hurt, everyone’s alive, fed and sheltered.

“The sun’ll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
Come what may.”

Phew. I didn’t think I was going to make it out of yesterday’s funk, but I’m happy to report I am much better today.

Body + Soul

 203.5

Talk about self-care Sunday.

I slept like a super champ last night and until 7 this morning. Very unlike me. My nose finally cleared up and thank the friggin’ Lord I got my period. Why so thankful? Um, a. there’s no third little Ripp joining us (this was sort of a legit fear since I had a dream we had a baby named Cece the other night and I thought I was late but really I just wasn’t paying attention to the calendar) and b. I feel like I’ve had PMS for the entire month of January. Glad that’s over.

I got my ass up, showered, made the bed and got ready for yoga. I was a little nervous because I have never tried this particular class but I went anyway. I knew I needed it. I grabbed a towel with the intention of sitting in the steam room after.

As I left that lovely (not scary) class I walked out the door with every intention to go sit in the steam room. In the 4 minutes it took to walk across the parking lot I had already talked myself out of going, mentally listing all the things I should get done at home today. I literally stood at my car door staring at the towel through the window debating on whether I should go relax in the steam room or go home and do laundry.

Let me save you the trouble if you’re ever in this pickle. Steam room.

And ultimately, that’s what I decided. I stood there long enough to realize that I had the rest of the day/week/month/year, or never, to do laundry and that if I didn’t do this for myself no one at home would be happy. My kids were with their dad, the dogs were fine, the laundry would be there when I got home.

Not only did I sit in that steam room, resetting in 3 times, I laid in the tanning bed for 10 minutes for some vitamin D and relaxed in the sauna for 20 minutes.

And guess what? I got it all done plus some today.

And I still made it in to my bed by 6:58p.

House + Home

Do you have projects laying around your house like I do?

I have had 6 crown molding ledge shelf thingies leaning against my bedroom wall since we moved in here 3 years ago. They still had the shrink wrap around them from the move.

I have moved them from the wall, to the landing, in to the closet, back out again and back to leaning against the wall.

Well, today was the day. I roped my very handy husband in to hanging them, put pictures up that have been moved from dresser to closet and then back out again. We have an adult master bedroom now.

Oh, and I finished all the laundry, dishes, vacuumed (read: pressed the power button on the Roomba), made dinner and prepped some meals.

Amazing what a little me time will do for motivation.

Fortune + Abundance

If you notice, I changed the title of a few things on the menu and in these posts.

I realize that by saying Debt + Finance I was focusing on lack rather than abundance. No wonder I have been staying there so long.

In any case, Dale and I had a really nice, civil conversation about our financial plans for the year. It’s probably the first time in our thirteen year marriage that we admitted we have made some impulsive mistakes.

But today, we made a plan by agreeing that 2019 will be the year of no projects. Well, no big projects, until we have made some progress in the fortune department.

We’ll see how that goes.

Nature + Nurture

After I returned from my “selfish” two hours, (Ha ha. You know I don’t believe that) the kiddos were more than happy to help empty the dishwasher, clean up the living room, bring down the dirty laundry from their rooms and play outside together. All without me raising my voice even once.

Normally I’d say it was a near miracle but because I have been paying attention a little more these days, I can see a pattern. When I’m happy, the whole family is happy.

It used to annoy me to no end to hear men say, “Happy wife, happy life.” I thought it was a chauvinistic thing only old, insecure men said.

But now I wonder if it just doesn’t make us more powerful than we ever thought?

It was the coffee wagon, but still.

Well, sort of. I had a decaf latte at my local coffee shop. I haven’t stepped foot in the place since January 1st and I felt it was my civic duty. Yes, I totally could have had tea, but damn that latte tasted good.

Failure? Maybe.

Body + Soul

 203.5

My yoga class started out lovely this morning, until about 15 minutes in, while folded over in a straddle with my ass reflecting in the mirror, I discovered I had a huge hole in my pants. Right in the crotch.

Man, it totally threw me off my yoga game. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Plus, I was wearing light blue underwear so there was no camoflouging it.

I just couldn’t stay out of my head, until the end. I realized no one was probably looking at me and they certainly weren’t looking at my crotch. It took me back to the first day I went to yoga after a long hiatus in November.

On a separate but similar note, today was the first day my hips opened up enough for me to fold all the way down in pigeon pose. For you yogis, or people with tight hips, this is a major accomplishment.

My body is starting to adjust, in more ways than just a number on the scale or how my clothes are fitting. It’s quite rewarding. So rewarding I’m going back for more tonight.

I changed my pants.

House + Home

One of my two favorite days of the month was today.

CLEANING LADY DAY!

They just keep getting better and better. Of all the things I do for myself, healthy and non, this is my favorite. It is the best money I spend. And I’m not the only one that benefits from it which is the cherry on top.

If you’ve ever thought about this, please find a way. You will not regret it.

Fortune + Abundance

I keep selling, they keep buying.

I just keep finding random shit around my house that just isn’t serving a purpose, selling it and collecting the moola.

This might be my new hobby.

Nature + Nurture

The more I journal about my life, the more I realize that the phrase no news is good news, especially in this department, is right on.

It’s true that we’ve had news worthy events take place in marriage and parenthood. But right now, we seem to be without drama. And I am extremely grateful for that.

I am also not naive. I know that we will face adversity in one or both departments again.

Just for today, though, I am happy I have nothing more exciting to report than we are having spaghetti for dinner.

203.5

For the past week or so, I have been sort of melancholy. I am not sure if the novelty has worn off of this thing or it’s just my mind, body and soul adjusting to new habits. I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both.

I’ve had to deal with some old familiar feelings lately; failure and guilt. But here’s the kicker, I don’t have anything to feel that way about (except maybe the decaf latte(s). Yes, I had another one, but if it makes you feel better, I had a headache yesterday afternoon and today. I haven’t had one of those since January 1st. I guess I know the culprit. Touche.) It’s like I am setting myself up to make a mistake that never comes.

I’ve made such a habit of talking dirty (not the fun kind) to myself that now that I don’t have anything to flog myself for, it’s discomforting and unfamiliar. It’s like there’s a void where all these feelings went and now I don’t know what to fill it with.

How fucked up is that?

But it’s also amazing and beautiful and miraculous because it led me to the following.

Even after a week of trying to put my finger on what didn’t feel right, I laid on my yoga mat today and the most curious thought crossed my mind and stuck there.

I love my body.

I almost pissed myself. (Good thing I didn’t have holes in the crotch of my pants this time.) I didn’t try to think it, it wasn’t forced, I wasn’t positively affirming myself, it was just there waiting for me to embrace it.

And I did.

This body of mine did everything I asked of it today. Everything. She slept and ate and drove and walked and balanced and created and thought and felt and a hundred other things. All before 9:00am.

I read a quote out of Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love while in the bathtub tonight:

Our bodies are merely blank canvases on to which we project our thoughts.

Marianne Williamson

I have stopped thinking of these uncanny coincidences as mere…coincidence. Someone is trying to tell me something.

If the above quote is true, and I can give you a lifetime of proof that it is, I am going to do, not try, my very best to be grateful for this body that has done everything I have asked of her all my life, even when it would have been totally fair for her to throw in the towel.

I looked in the mirror long and hard tonight. I stood there when it got uncomfortable and I started feeling squirmy. And then I stared a little longer. I tried to see myself through the eyes of my family and friends and my kids. The ones who don’t see the “flaws”.

And they don’t see them because they’re not there. One woman’s flaw is the source of envy of ten other women. We will never be perfect because perfection doesn’t exist.. The sooner we all rejoice in these facts, the happier and healthier we will all be. It’s the ultimate exercise in self-care.

I challenge you to look in the mirror until you get squirmy, then stare a little longer. Think about all the things your body has done for you just today. And then think about all the things in the past month, then year, then decade.

I bet you can find a few things to thank that bad ass bitch for.

Body + Soul

 203.5

It’s hard to explain how your body feels to someone else. Even to myself.

I know things are changing, but even I can’t explain it. Today, for the first time ever, I was able to grab my feet for bow pose during my yoga practice. Last week I couldn’t. I couldn’t even feel my feet much less grab and hold on to them. Also, my chest rested on the ground in child’s pose, I was able to cross my legs all the way around in eagle and I didn’t fall over during needle. Those are all new…today.

But possibly the most interesting of all is that I’m not watching the clock during class. Like, at all. And tonight, I didn’t want class to end. A little discomforting and unfamiliar, but I kinda like it.

Sometimes I feel like this journey should have been about my path to yoga enlightenment for as much as I am writing about it but how was I to know what a profound effect it would have? The more I practice, the lighter I become, figuratively and literally.

House + Home

I have always loved the month of February. Basically because it’s the month where we gain the most daylight. Everyday I crawl a little further out of my vitamin d deficiency hole.

We are just a handful of weeks away from warmer days, budding trees and chirping birds which also means, for me, seed starting time! The catalogs have started to infiltrate the mailbox and my inbox is loaded with sales on seeds and spring bulbs.

It’s like Christmas only better.

In true Ripp fashion we started dreaming about big things for the farm. We’d like to work toward purchasing the acreage behind us, and according to Dale start a vineyard. (It might even make money since it’s owner won’t be drinking all the product.) We don’t have a plan for that, but we thought we’d throw it out to the Universe.

Stay tuned.

Fortune + Abundance

I found a 20 in the pocket of a sweatshirt I haven’t been able to fit in to since the winter of 2017.

‘Nough said.

Nature + Nurture

Our morning started out wonderfully. The better I sleep the better the mornings get…every. single. day.

However, within minutes of rising, shit went downhill for a few of us. The truck wouldn’t start, one of the puppies and a kitten ended up across the street at bus stop time which threw Miles in to a complete meltdown (we have lost lots of kitties in the past couple of years so he’s got a right to be fearful), about 1/4″ of ice on vehicles and at Dale’s first stop today he broke someone’s garage door. (I actually had a lovely morning but that’s not the point.)

Shockingly, after a busy afternoon/evening with after school activities, sports and my own self-care (yoga, steam room, sauna) everyone is back under one roof and happy.

My instinct is to somehow apologize for this. To feel bad that maybe someone reading this is not having a good day so I should somehow feel bad that things are going right today. But I’m not going to. I have been through my fair share of bad days, sometimes for weeks on end.

Here’s the thing. I am making little positive changes everyday that are adding up to monumental shifts in all areas of my life. This isn’t luck or coincidence or divine intervention.

What this is is a whole lot of wrestling with the squirrels in my head, resisting temptations every hour of every day, convincing myself that I’m still cool and people still like me, actually dealing with feelings I used to numb with the nearest wine glass or bag of Pirate’s Booty (for real) and trying to find my purpose in life.

So, just for today, I am going to rejoice in the fact that no one is bitching about the dinner I made, that all the dishes are done, that my husband texted “enjoy” when I told him I was going to hit up the sauna after yoga and that I am in bed at 8:29.

I hope you can find a few things to be grateful for today too.

202.2

Another eventful morning by way of no school. This time for ice. Ugh. Spring can’t come soon enough.

To be honest, I didn’t get much done today other than a puzzle, which started with both kids helping and ended with me sticking it out solo until it was finished, baking cookies (if we have any more snow days I am going to be 400 lbs) and a movie.

But the night was topped off with a much needed date night.

I’m not gonna lie, I used to hate that phrase. Date night sounded like just one more thing I was failing at. Like if I didn’t have a scheduled weekly date night with a corresponding bangin’ outfit (I guess that’s a thing?) then my marriage was doomed.

Even though we now participate in said lame phrase, we are making an effort to spend more time together in order to nurture our 13 year old marriage. It needs it.

Just like I need self-care above all else, if I plan to stay in a healthy relationship and this particular parenting partnership, I needed to pay some attention to the other guest at the slumber party. So, date night it is.

Here’s the thing (you know I love me some things) though, we didn’t really have a plan tonight. After we finished our mussels at our fave, Lousianne’s, we were sort of at a loss for what to do next. A few months ago we would have downed 2-3 drinks, spending an hour or two at the bar then pouring ourselves in to bed. Tonight we were basically done with our date in 35 minutes.

And, it was a struggle to come up with something that didn’t include eating any more or drinking. It was awkward and I somehow ended up taking the blame for what I thought should have been a fun-filled night. The suggestion of walking around Target or Costco was even thrown out there. I even went so far as to look up on Pinterest “date night ideas,” a few of which offered a coloring contest or making a music video. Um, no thanks.

But we talked about it a little and just decided it wasn’t lame. We had a lovely meal, laughed at each other’s jokes and genuinely enjoyed the time, however short it was, together. (I did end up dragging him to Home Goods, but only for about 10 minutes.) We ended up visiting with his mom and her friend when we went to pick up the kids and will top off the night with a couple episodes of The Office.

The truth is, not every date night has to be epic. And since we make an effort to do this every couple of weeks at least, there will be more opportunities to do something more exciting.

When I’m rocking away, more wrinkly and more gray, I bet I won’t remember what we actually did on those dates, just that we had them.

It was freezing again today.

Like take your breath away walking across the parking lot cold. So cold in fact that I went to two hot yoga classes just to warm up.

Sometimes I sit down to write these posts thinking I have nothing interesting to write about. And then other times I can’t wait to share some monumental, at the same time mundane, experience. Today was a little of both.

Discovering that I have all this space in my head now that used to be taken up by fear and shame and guilt and judgement and worry is quite enlightening. And a little bit uncomfortable.

I still have these pangs of anxiety thinking the other shoe is going to drop. That all the work I have done and all the new habits I am forming are going to somehow disappear in an instant. That some wrong decision will take me down a rabbit hole.

Part of it is my all-or-nothing, black and white thinking and some of it is warranted. I have proof of that exact thing happening. And to be honest, I am just as afraid of succeeding as I am of failing. Probably more.

Change is hard. Inevitable, but hard. Especially when doing something you’ve never done before. How do you know that things won’t be terrible? How do you know they’ll be great? The answer is you don’t. You just know they’ll be different.

As I was laying on my mat tonight, soaking up all the warmth I could, I remembered that I wrote something on one of the early days about Day 38. I went back and looked for it and sure enough I found it on Day 9.

Talk about perception. The things I cared so much about then have all but fallen off my radar now. It’s like a fog has lifted.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Try getting that song our of your head now.

You’re welcome.